


When the Bough Breaks

by lovesgym



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - BDSM, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dom/sub, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, F/M, Gen, M/M, Slow Burn, Smut, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley, Team as Family, dominant and submissive politics echo toxic gender norms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:47:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24856327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovesgym/pseuds/lovesgym
Summary: In a universe where everyone falls somewhere on the spectrum of dominant and submissive personalities, Buck has a long way to go toward self-acceptance. He's just found balance with the 118, when Eddie Diaz and his son Christopher turn Buck's world on its head.
Relationships: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Henrietta "Hen" Wilson/Karen Wilson, Maddie Buckley/Howie “Chimney” Han
Comments: 102
Kudos: 446





	1. Chapter 1

These days it was understood among experts that Dominant and Submissive orientations existed on as much of a spectrum as sexuality. Unfortunately, Buck hadn't been raised with that understanding.

Buck had come from a happy family. His father was a Dominant and he took it on as his role to be a provider for his family. His career as chief financial officer at a Fortune 500 company reflected that attitude. Buck’s mother, Laura, took excellent care of the home and her children. Laura was a natural submissive in all the traditional senses of the word: humble, polite, nurturing, and ever-deferential to her husband. His father, while dominant in the traditional sense, was also an attentive partner and an affectionate father, while she’d been alive.

Buck’s mother had met her end far too early, in a pedestrian crosswalk, arms laden with groceries which scattered around her broken body. She was gone in a moment’s inattention as a Ford F150 barrelled through the red light.

If Buck closed his eyes and concentrated, he could still feel the warm, gentle pressure of his mother’s hand pressed against his cheek. He missed her every day.

His 10th birthday had been his first without his mother, and it had been hard on the whole family. Buck’s father hadn’t been pleased when he had found Buck sleeping in Maddie’s bed that morning. Ever since, he had very insistently been teaching him the importance of being the “man of the house,” and what it meant- chiefly, that he was to care for his sister. Buck scrunched his nose up when his father had said that. For as long as Buck could remember, Maddie had been looking after him! She was much older, after all. Buck adored Maddie, but he missed his mum so much. He longed to be in her arms again. Maddie wasn't as good at hugs as his mummy had been but she was the closest he had now.

In an effort to please his father, Buck was trying to be more independent from Maddie. But, he figured maybe if he wasn’t supposed to lean on Maddie anymore, he could get a hug from his Daddy. He cautiously approaches his father in the living room and cuddles into his side on the couch. Instead of cuddling back, John Buckley sighs, clearly burdened by his son’s need for affection. He calls for Maddie.

“Madeline, come and sit with your brother,” John had gently but firmly ordered.

Buck sees Maddie’s mouth turn downward in discomfort and her lips thinning. John was gesturing to a cushion he’d set up on the floor in front of the couch by Buck’s feet. It matched the cushion which Buck dimly remembered had been set up for Buck’s mother, Laura. Laura had looked content, but Maddie doesn't when she takes up the same position by Buck's feet.

This feels wrong! Maddie isn't looking comfortable at all. Certainly nothing like the beatific expression their mother had worn when she’d been allowed to kneel before their father. Evan gulps, and the noise is audible. Maddie tries to intervene.

“Dad, this doesn’t feel right. Evan is just a little boy.”

“Evan is going to be a Dominant, and this is your place, Madeline. We need structure now more than ever.”

Reluctantly, Maddie slouches back down to sit on the cushion at Buck’s feet.

“Evan, you know what to do,” his father encouraged him.

He doesn't, really. But he wants to make his father happy.

Maddie is looking at him apologetically, and she tilts her head back obligingly when Buck runs his clumsy 10 year old fingers through her hair in an his best imitation of a comforting gesture. Maddie closes her eyes, and their father imagines it was out of contentment, rather than malaise. Buck knows differently though. He feels anxious, torn between wanting to stop for Maddie and not wanting to disappoint his father. He feels his anxiety rising. He can feel Maddie's unhappiness, and it's really getting to him. His breathing speeds up and he feels like he's not getting enough air. He knows he's not doing it right like his father had for their mother.

All of a sudden, Maddie is up from the floor, and she’s taken Evan onto her lap instead. She is soothing him, gently using her thumb to rub away the tears that had tracked an uncontrolled path down his cheeks. He can't help it- he curls into her and tucks his head under her chin.

Evan can feel his father’s disapproval from across the room.

Maddie and his father had a screaming match that night. Evan pieced together that Maddie had been tested and biopsych results came back - she was neither dominant nor submissive. The psychologist had explained that Maddie might develop more strongly toward one side or the other over her life-time, or she could remain as she was now; a switch, neither fully dominant nor submissive. With good communication, switches could be in a happy relationship with either a dominant or submissive partner, but most often preferred another switch. Their father wasn’t happy about it. He was a traditionalist. Madeline was Submissive, and Evan would be a Dominant. He was sure his daughter would not be fulfilled without a Dominant in her life. Buck hears Maddie crying in her room after that, and it scares him to hear his strong sister sound broken like that.

A few years later, their father introduces Maddie to Douglas Kendall, the son of one of his colleagues, and a man who had tested so strongly as a Dominant that their was no doubt as to his nature. Doug promised to make “an honest woman” out of Maddie, and promised that he was sure he could fix her- she was too beautiful not to be a Sub. Evan’s heart dropped when he heard that.

But Doug was charming, and Maddie seemed to like him. Even better, her loving Doug had made their father carefree for the first time in years. Maybe it would all be okay. But as soon as Maddie graduates from nursing, she and Doug move halfway across the country, and Evan rarely hears from her, even though he calls and calls and writes her cards on every holiday. He feels alone without his sister. Evan redoubles his efforts to please his father, but he feels no closer than before.

Evan always knew he wasn’t quite the Dominant his father hoped he’d be, but he knew he couldn't disappoint his father like Maddie had. He learns to express traditionally dominant traits- some aren't so hard for him. He does feel protective of others, and he loves helping people. He takes an advanced first aid course and volunteers for St. John’s ambulance. He plays football, a defensive linebacker. He loves the teamwork and the strategy and it suits his ever broadening frame. With every tackle he catches his father’s proud eye in the crowd, and he feels just a little bit closer to him. With Maddie gone, his father’s approval becomes everything to him.

But there are signs pointing away from Evan being a Dom. He tries to ignore them. He thinks his father notices and ignores them too. When Coach is angry, it's harder for him to bear than it is for some of his teammates. He remembers one spectacular loss when the other team had broken through his line over and over again, his coach losing his temper and banishing him and the other linebackers to the locker room with a terse, “Get out of my sight and don't come back until you can form a line that holds!”

He notices the other defensemen don't take Coach’s frustration nearly so hard, some even laughing at the way his face reddens with a purple tinge. As his teammates retreat to the locker room relatively undeterred, Evan stumbles to the shower under the weight of that disappointment, hastening to get his head under the spray so his tears would be hidden in the water.

When the day finally comes when his school counselor administers the mixed psychological and physiological testing that will give his family the information they need to determine where he falls on the Dom/Sub spectrum. The process has become a lot more in depth over the years, consisting of personality testing and also measuring heart rate and physiological reactions to behavioural scenarios. As he sits in the waiting room he hopes against hope that he is a Dom like his father. He had tried to answer the questions in a way that he thought Doms would, but he couldn't be as sure of how those answers would correspond with the physiological results

When he was called into the school counselor’s office to discuss the results, he and his father enter the room together. His father confidently tells him he's sure Evan will be a Dominant. Evan feels terror seizing him, because in that moment, he knows the truth before the counselor can say it. He isn't a Dom. He's not even a switch. He's a Submissive. The counselor is a kind and perceptive woman. She is gentle when she breaks the news, perceiving the tension in the room, but it doesn't make it easier for Evan to hear out loud.

"Evan, your test results were not easy to interpret. That’s because your behavioural scenarios revealed a number of tendencies usually associated with dominant personalities. You tested high- 80th percentile in fact- for risk taking and 60th percentile for aggressive behaviour. Interestingly, in almost every scenario you registered aggressively, the behaviour was motivated by protective feelings for others. You tested at 50th percentile for protectiveness, but also 50th percentile for needing to feel protected by others. What really tipped the scales in your case is what we call your “approval” score. You score in the 99th percentile for people pleasing behaviours and the need to feel the approval of others’, particularly close family, and eventually, most likely, a partner. The counselor paused.

“I know you may have been hoping for a different result, but make no mistake, Evan, you are a Submissive.” She pauses, concern written into her face as Evan visibly blanches- “Submissives, like dominants who don’t acknowledge their natures, are at significantly higher risk for depression, mood swings, and anxiety.”

She turns to his father, “John, this may not have been the result you expected, but you heard what I had to say about your son’s approval score. It is crucial that you show your son the acceptance he deserves.”

His father’s hands are shaking and he looks wretched with disappointment. The counselor was visibly uncomfortable, and after a silence, she switches gears: “Let’s talk about your aptitude test, Evan.”

Desperate to find out if there was something he could be good at, Evan nods eagerly.

“Your test results indicate that you would be great in a team environment, and your need to please others combined with your willingness to take risks would indicate you’d do very well in a military or first responder position. But it’s important for you to know, Evan, that a submissive person can do any kind of career and do it well.”

“They can?” Evan turned toward his still scowling father hopefully. He remained taciturn, and the hope that had been blooming in Evan's chest faded.

On the way home, Evan’s anxiety spirals. His father’s grip is tense on the steering wheel. John, who wasn't a bad man, but whose rigidity and coldness certainly had made him a bad father, turns to his son and breaks his heart.

“I am so disappointed. All this time I was sure you would be a Dom. Where did I go wrong, Laura?”

Hearing his dad invoke his mother breaks Evan. Unable to think of anything else to do, he does the one thing he's never dared to do in front of anyone- he drops to his knees.

“Dad, please…”

He doesn't even know what he's asking for. But he knows this is how Subs get it

John gasps. His son had never looked more like Laura. It's too much to bear. He spins around sharply to hide his emotional reaction.

If Evan had seen the way his father’s eyes were welling with tears, things might have ended differently for the Buckley men. As it was, John kept his back turned toward his son. Too confident, as many are, that he could deal with this later- that he would have more time, and another chance, John Buckley bites out, “Please, just go.”

And so Evan does. He goes that very night. He doesn't even finish out his senior year.

* * *

Evan buys a one way bus ticket to Tijuana with the money he'd been saving every week from his allowance since he was 15. He had hoped he wouldn't need it, but part of him had been preparing for this day for years. Evan keeps traveling, working odd jobs and, having turned 18 before he left, he ends up as far away as South America, where he teaches diving in Nicaragua until he is old enough and experienced enough to tend bar. The abandonment of his mother, Maddie and now his father had left a gaping hole in his heart that he fervently tries to fill. First, he buries the name “Evan”, calling himself “Buck”. Evan was the name of his father's Dominant son, someone who had turned out to be an utter disappointment. Buck couldn’t bear the reminder. Then, for the first time accepting that he was a Submissive, Buck started to explore that.

He hooked up with as many people as he could, learning how to make others feel good. But he had never had a good education on how to be a Sub, and he felt different. A lot of times, he got hit on by subs or switches who told him he was too big, or too aggressive to be a Sub. Buck didn’t know any better, so he let these outdated social norms shape his self image and make him feel inadequate as a Sub. He still got something out of those encounters, and pretending to be a Dom became something of a specialty. He enjoyed making his Submissive partners feel good. One night, mistaking him for a Dom, a girl he was with told him he was a great Dom. He felt a confusing spark of pleasure at the praise, even as the shame of the lie felt like a betrayal. He said thanks, letting her believe her assumption. When he got home that night, he threw up for hours, even though he hadn't had that much to drink

His lack of sex education mostly only seemed to be a problem when he was hooking up with Doms, so he avoided them mostly, and he didn’t experience subspace until he was well over 21.

One hot night, he is closing up the bar when a tall, gorgeous man not much older than Buck catches his eye. Buck knew by now what that look meant, and the other man had a warm, friendly look about him. He introduced himself, “I’m Alex- wanna dance?”

They were dancing before Buck knew it, but it wasn’t until Alex was gripping his hips tightly and pressing him against the wall that Buck clues in that Alex is a Dom. All of a sudden, Buck’s body fills with liquid need, his knees becoming weak. He gestures at the back door-

“Outside- please”, and that’s how Buck finds himself on his knees blowing Alex in the alley behind the bar.

As Buck works on the condom, Alex man looks down at him with hooded eyes, muttering, “that's it, that's so good,” in a low tone.

Buck felt a rush from his head down to his dick, which pulsed uncontrollably in his pants. He whimpers and chokes on Alex. Alex looks down at Buck, pausing in confusion. He reaches down and lifts Buck's chin up so Buck is looking up at him. Buck's eyes are taking on a slight glaze, and realization hits Alex. "You're a sub, aren't you, baby?"

Buck's unable to say anything around the cock in his mouth, and he doesn't want to anyway. He nods and breaks Alex's gaze, hollowing his cheeks and concentrating harder on making Alex lose his mind. "Alex's eyes roll back in his head and he moans, chuckling lowly as he opens his yes again. He fists his hands fists his hands in Buck’s hair.

“This okay, sweetheart?” The term of endearment has Buck leaking in his pants, pupils blowing black. He pops off briefly and nods eagerly. He goes back down, taking so much of Alex into his mouth that he feels him hitting the back of his throat.

“Oh, you like that, don't you? That’s such a good boy.” The praise and the tone hit Buck hard, and he moans high in his throat, helpless around Alex as his cock throbs, totally untouched. Just like that, he feels himself cumming, filling his underwear, and the mess leaking through his jeans. He is totally fucked out after that, and seems to have lost the ability to do anything other than hold the guy’s dick in his mouth. His hook-up chuckles indulgently and then grips Buck’s hair tightly as he takes control and fucks his mouth.

Afterwards, Buck makes no move to stand. His head comes to rest on the Alex's thigh, and he feels strangely heavy, sinking into his knees. Alex hisses out a quiet, “Shit. God damn, baby, you're right out of it, aren't you?”

He hauls Buck’s mostly unresponsive form out of the bar and hustles him into a cab.

It was only when they were halfway to Alex, a relative stranger’s house, that Buck thought to ask, “Where are you taking me?”

“I'm taking you home, baby. You can rest, now.”

Buck had pliantly put his head back in the stranger’s lap, and then freaked the fuck out in the morning when he remembered what he had done. Buck had been incredibly lucky that his first real encounter with sub space had happened with someone kind. Alex had made Buck drink some water and let Buck sleep next to him, holding him close while he came back up.

Alex was a Dom visiting Nicaragua with friends. He had been a lawyer, but hadn’t enjoyed it, and had come here to reinvent himself, much like Buck. He was renting a beach house, where he had brought Buck to stay the night. Alex had apologized, and explained, ashamed, that he had assumed Buck was a Dom. Buck Alex (like Buck) usually hooked up with other Doms when he wanted the sex to stay casual. He gently explained to Buck that sub space was something he should try not to fall into with just anyone. Buck takes that warning to heart He hooks up with Alex a few more times, but soon it's time for him to move on, and Buck is once again left alone.

* * *

One thing is consistent- no matter who Buck hooks up with, he can never make them feel good enough to want him to stay. He feels lonely most of the time. He experiences almost as many drops as he does sub spaces, and he becomes good at taking care of his needs himself, coming home after his hook ups to his softest blankets and warm tea, and often, to cry on his pillow.

He didn’t think about his counselor’s career advice again until he moved back to L.A.

Out on the beach one Sunday afternoon, he hears a thin voice calling for help. An 8 year old girl had been swept out in the waves, and she goes down and didn’t come back up.

Without thinking, Buck strips his shirt off and dives in after her. His first aid training comes back to him easily as he lays her out in the sand. He started chest compressions, and the girl coughs up sea water and calls out, “Mama!”

Before Buck leaves, one of the responding paramedics touches his shoulder, “Hey man, great job out there today,” Buck felt a familiar rush of warmth and smiled bashfully.

“You think so?”

“Yeah, buddy, we could really someone like you. You should consider applying to the LAFD.” Buck does.

Once he finds the 118, he starts to feel a little more at home in his skin. The team, in particular Bobby, begin to fill the hole left behind by his family. Bobby was kind, and generous with praise where it was due, ruffling Buck’s hair often, and freely giving out compliments like “good job, Buck” and “great work today, kid.”

He doesn't figure out Bobby’s dynamic right away, but Hen and Chim, who are the friendliest members of the 118, are more free in discussing theirs. Hen is a Dom. After a tough call one day, Buck is struggling, and she takes him right into her arms for a tight hug. Buck had never felt so safe since Maddie left home. Chim was a switch just like Maddie. Chim’s parents were disappointed that he hadn’t turned out to be a Dom outright, and Buck’s heart strings tugged a bit at that. Switches were still relatively rare, and after hearing Chimney say how disappointed his dad had been, Buck now had a better appreciation for what Maddie had gone through. He no longer blamed her for leaving home, though he still had a hard time understanding why she'd left him

The habits that made up “Buck 1.0” were hard to break, even though he knew he needed to cultivate more mature habits if he was going to be professional enough to stay at the 118. He keeps seeking closeness through sexual encounters, and, perversely, he keeps pushing the limits of what Bobby will tolerate from him on the job. He can't seem to help it; he feels out of control and he desperately needs to see where the limits are.

When Bobby finally does fire him for having sex on the job, it's devastating, but not unexpected. He honestly doesn't know what he is planning to do when he gets home, but he does know he can't survive the destruction of another family. He can't go through this again.

Luckily, his penchant for risk taking saves his job when he comes through with a win for Bobby's favourite police officer, Athena. He does land squarely in Bobby’s office, though, and the resulting conversation is both painful and necessary.

“Buck, we’ve never talked about your dynamic.” Buck remains utterly tight-lipped in response.

“I don’t know what you’ve been though, but I suspected something traumatic from the first time I interviewed you. Ordinarily it is not my practice to require a member of my team to discuss their dynamic if they don’t wish to do so, but I strongly suspect your unfulfilled dynamic tendencies are at the root of the behaviour affecting your performance. I am asking you to tell me, so I can help you. Can you trust me that much?”

Buck inhaled shakily. He’d already been fired today- that was about the worst that could happen.

“You know I’m a Sub- it was on my HR forms,” Buck said in a clipped tone, and looked down at the floor, expecting the worst.

Bobby comes out from behind the desk, coming toward Buck with a fatherly look on his face,“Can I touch you, Buck?” Surprised and a little apprehensive, Buck nods. Bobby draws him into a tight hug, holding the back of his head protectively against his shoulder.

“Shhh,” Bobby soothed, and Buck was surprised and slightly horrified to find he’d been crying.

Bobby held him for a few minutes, and Buck began to feel more clear headed. As Buck lifted his head off Bobby’s shoulder and held his gaze, Bobby gestured towards the couch in his office, and he took the chair.

“Buck, I want you to know something not many people know.” Buck lifted his head curiously.

“I’m a Sub, too.”

“You- you are?” Buck asked, incredulous.

“Yes, I am. It hasn’t always been easy, but I am a leader in the LAFD. When I lost my Dom- when Marcy and the kids died- that sent me into a tailspin I almost didn’t come out of. Work kept me going, and instead of turning to drugs, the team and its purpose became grounding to me. I hope it can be that to you, too.”

“I, I- Cap, I don’t know what to say…”

“Buck, I told you this so you’d know there is nothing in your nature that can hold you back from being a great firefighter. I want to help you do that. Is there anything I should know about you that will help you perform better at work?”

“Um, I…” Buck struggled. He had a lot to say, but he’d never been open with anyone about his dynamic, and he was afraid. He really wanted this to work, though, and he’d been on the edge of being fired for too long. Bobby is patient. He waits for Buck to find the words.

“I, um, I-I scored really high on the approval scale. Buck’s voice cracks and the words come out more questioning and less certain than he would have liked. “It’s, um, really hard for me when someone tells me they’re disappointed in me- that word is kind of a trigger for me,” Buck’s breathing is speeding up uncomfortably and he has to take a break for several breaths. To his humiliation, he feels like crying again.

“The sex- it’s kind of a coping mechanism? I know it’s unhealthy, but when I start to need, um, you know… need to be reassured… I usually look for a hook up? You know, because I just want to do something right, and I know I can do that well. People are usually happy with me after sex.”

Tears cling to Buck’s lashes and he struggles not to let them slide. Bobby’s face looks pinched, and Buck is really afraid he’s said too much. What came out of Bobby’s mouth was thankfully not the condemnation Buck’d been dreading.

“Thank you for telling me that, Buck. I can tell it cost you a lot to say that out loud. I am so grateful you trusted me.” Bobby paused to regard Buck sincerely. “When I told you I was disappointed in you after the last hook up at work, that pushed you to do it again, didn’t it?”

Buck looked up miserably, a tear making its way down his cheek out of shame. His voice cracked again as he looked at the ground, and admitted,“Yes.” Buck is silent for several beats and then, “I couldn’t help it. I needed it at that point. I was so low.Bobby looked at him for a long moment.

“I'm sorry.”

“You're sorry?

“I screwed up. I failed you as a Captain. I of all people should have been able to identify where you were coming from. It's my job to know you, understand your needs, and manage you so you can perform your best.” He continued. “Buck, you’re a great firefighter, but what has worked to manage other members of this team is not working for you. I promise I won’t use the word disappointed ever again when I speak to you.”

“Really? You mean that?”

“I do, Buck. In return, though, I expect you to be honest with me. If you feel like you’re about to drop, you come to me. I will help you. And absolutely no more sex at work. Ever. Do you understand me?”

Buck is so relieved. He had never in all his life had anyone he could speak freely to about his dynamic and his needs. He knows he needs to take what Bobby is offering with both hands.

“Thank you! I won't let you down again,” he chokes out.

Bobby chuckles. "You probably will, Buck." Buck flinches. "No, no, don't do that. Making mistakes is part of being a new firefighter. Just work hard so you don't make the same mistake twice."

After that, Buck works hard on becoming a more reliable firefighter and team member. More than that, he works on being the kind of person someone might want in a relationship. He takes on a more regular sleeping schedule, as much as his shift work allows, anyway. He stops binge drinking, and he avoids cruising at bars. He looks to his team to provide the reassurance and grounding that he needs.

In return, Bobby is effusive with praise, and generous with hugs. Mercifully, since their talk, Bobby had been careful in providing negative feedback. He always relates feedback to a behaviour or an action, and not Buck personally, which Buck appreciates more than he can say. Hen, who is fierce and decisive on calls, often gentles her tone with Buck now that she knows his dynamic, and Chimney treats him like a little brother, pranking him and teasing him enough to let him feel included, but not harshly enough to make him feel uncertain. Buck feels the most at peace he’s ever felt in his life. For the first time, he belongs.

When he meets Abby, she is a balm to his soul. She isn’t a Dom, but she is patient with Buck and he attentive to her. It is amazing to have someone to be vulnerable with and to care for in return. Sub/sub relationships are rare, but they can work if partners are communicative about their needs. Her solid presence provides a balance in his life that he had been missing so much. And Abby needs Buck. She is easy to take care of, and Buck finds himself devoting most of his free time to helping her take care of her mom. When she thanks him, she makes sure to phrase it in a way that is calming to him, telling him what a good job he’s done and how much she loves him.

The sex is good. Buck is good at sex as he always was. Abby is beautiful inside and out, and he loves making her feel good. Abby also loves to care for others, and her gentle touch is such a change from the rough hands and fast paced encounters he used to have. For the first time, he begins to believe that he is enough. When Abby leaves, she leaves a hole in Buck’s heart and a yawning gap where he used to put his nurturing and caring energy. He is unbalanced and feels sick most of the time. It's in those vulnerable first days after Abby leaves that Buck starts training with purpose to be in the annual firefighters' calendar. Chim is trying out too, but Buck needs to be picked for the calendar, in a way that he dimly realizes is unhealthy. An uglier part of Buck knows that Chim, whose build shows off more wiry strength than Buck's big muscles, is less likely to be chosen for the calendar. Buck finds himself pointing that out, even though he's ashamed of his own behaviour. He can't seem to stop. He needs to feel seen.

When he climbs the stairs to the 118, he sees an unfairly hot man has taken his spot at the weight bench.

“Who is that?!” Chim laughs at him, and if the laughter is a bit unkind at this stage Buck can understand it.

“Now that is a beautiful man,” interjects Hen, “and I’m not even in that market!”

By the end of the morning, Buck knows the new probie firefighter’s name is Eddie Diaz. He’s 33 years old, a combat veteran, and he has a ridiculous set of abs. Buck hates him.

He’s never wanted to go down so hard for someone in his life.


	2. Chapter 2

When Buck hears Chimney whistling lowly, “now that is a beautiful man,” he snorts but turns quickly to check for himself.

Eddie Diaz is downright gorgeous, and the way he nonchalantly tugs his shift down over his well-defined chest makes Buck look down nervously to check out how his own compares. He feels like he’s only just found his place on the team.

Before he can think, he hears himself say “what do we need him for?” a note of petulance creeping into his voice.

Bobby looks at him with surprise and a little shock. Buck cringes internally- he knows he hasn’t struck the best note with the Cap.

“He’s an experienced army medic who did two tours in Afghanistan, and he won the silver star. He graduated top of his class last week; it’s not like he’s wet behind the ears. Station 6 really wanted him, but I convinced him to join us instead.”

Bobby sounds pleased and proud, and Buck hears it for the gentle admonishment it is. He also hears the unsaid “wet behind the ears like you were,” and a knot of anxiety starts to develop in his chest.

The team goes to welcome their new recruit. Buck follows reluctantly. Getting up close and personal only confirms that Eddie Diaz is hot like fire. When their eyes meet for the first time, Buck knows immediately that Eddie Diaz is a Dom. His knees tremble with the force of that realization, and the knowledge sends an unwelcome bolt of arousal through Buck’s body.

What the fuck? He’s never had an instant reaction like that to anyone. Ever since the night of his disastrous hook-up with Alex, he’s been so careful around Doms in general, not allowing himself to get too close. And despite Cap’s success, Buck still feels like he has a lot to prove about being a sub in the LAFD.

His second encounter with Eddie Diaz doesn’t go better than his first. He’s minding his own business, taking selfies for his calendar entry in the gym, when Diaz comes in after him. He starts punching the bag like it’s personally offended him, and it shouldn’t be hot, but it is, and Buck’s staring now. Just great. Chim comes in, smirking, having totally taken in Buck’s interest. Thankfully he says nothing out loud, but he raises his eyebrows in question. Buck’s cheeks colour and he busies himself adding another totally unnecessary weight.

“You’re in the wrong light man,” and doesn’t that just send a sharp bolt of frustration through him?

“Some of us don’t need light to look good” Buck shoots back. His response is patently ridiculous, but it’s taking a lot of effort to hide the fact that he wants to go to his knees right now.

Chim tries to save the situation, asking Eddie what he means by the wrong light? Diaz is so cocky, showing off the pics he’d had taken for the calendar.Buck can’t help his next words- they fly out unbidden, “that’s kind of cheating, having photos taken by a professional photographer.”

Diaz scoffs, “She’s 12. My niece took the photos”.

Again, Chim comes in trying to save the awkwardness, “Really, man? Do you think she’d take mine? I’ve been told I photograph like an Asian Fabio,” he says lightheartedly, and Diaz agrees easily. But Buck feels raw.

He takes another cheap shot, hating himself even as he does it, “hey, don’t get his hopes up, man.”

“What’s your problem?!” and Diaz’s voice takes on an aggressive note for the first time. Not that Buck didn’t deserve it at this point, but his heart rate starts to climb and he actually feels himself shaking with the effort of meeting the challenge.

“Okay, you! Your comfort level. You’re not supposed to walk in here like you’ve been here for years. It’s meant to be a-a getting to know you period. You’re meant to respect your elders!”

“You’re not his elder, Buck,” Chim says in a tone that says he’s entirely done with Buck’s shit for the day.

Buck knows he sounds ridiculous at this point, but he’s frustrated and not thinking clearly.

Diaz appears to take pity on him, “look, I in no way meant to, uh, be too familiar or step on anybody’s toes. I know you’re going through some personal stuff right now-“

“What personal stuff?!”

“I know your girlfriend recently broke up with you and you’re coming to terms with that.”

“No, I’m not. And she didn’t break up with me- who told you that?”

Chim looks supremely guilty behind Diaz and busies himself on the bars, counting off his 21st dip out loud.

“I’m just saying, I hear you’re a good guy, and, I’m sorry you’re going through pain but you don’t need to take it out on me, or…be threatened by me. We’re on the same team.

And that cuts way too close to the truth. Buck’s eyes flash.

“Why would I be threatened by you?” he says lowly, in his most dangerous tone. Sub or not, Buck packs a powerful punch and he needs Diaz to know that. He won’t be dominated on the job.

Utterly unaffected, Diaz smirks, “exactly, there’s no need to be. We do the same thing- I’ve just done it while people are shooting at me, is all.”

It’s remarkably uncreative, as comebacks go, but the stark statement of fact combined with the way Diaz leans into his space cuts deeply. It’s costing Buck to stand up to Eddie. “We’re not broken up,” he says to a room that clearly doesn’t care.

“Alright” is Eddie’s uncaring response. Chim bursts into laughter at Buck’s expense and that…doesn’t feel good.

Abby’s coming back, Chim!” but the words sound hollow even to Buck and his eyes sting a bit. He looks down. Abby’s texts were getting fewer and farther between, and Buck was starting to wonder if she was forgetting about him already.

He feels shaky and vaguely sick. He needs to get out of here before he drops. He retreats to the locker room, where he turns out the lights and breathes for a few minutes, doing a meditation exercise on his phone. After a few minutes, he feels rather than hears Hen coming into the room. Hen approaches gently, and offers a hand to Buck. Buck takes her hand and wordlessly places it on the back of his neck. Hen obliges and bears down on the back of Buck’s neck. Buck sighs, the gentle pressure and the soothing presence of a Dom he considers family enough to bring him the rest of the way back up.

He breathes out and takes his headphones out of his ears, “Thanks, Hen.”

“No worries, Buckaroo. You doing okay?”

Buck’s just about to answer when Diaz strides into the locker room. He takes in the way Buck is sitting cross legged with his back against the wall and the way Hen is still gripping Buck by the back of the neck, both of them in unmistakeably dominant and submissive positions. A look of shock crosses his face as the realization hits that Buck must be a Sub.

Shit, I’m sorry, man. I didn’t mean to interrupt” Diaz retreats to the showers. It’s generally considered pretty rude to watch a Dom and Sub ground each other, and Diaz looks chagrined. His apology seems sincere, and Buck is a little embarrassed, especially because Diaz will now likely put two and two together about their interaction and Buck dropping as a consequence. He’s usually a lot more resilient than this, but Diaz is just getting to him. Still, he’s been working with Cap on not beating himself up for needing help, and he’s grateful to Hen for noticing he’d needed it. He smiles up at her and picks himself off the ground. He’s feeling better.

“Look man, I’m really sorry about before. I genuinely had no idea you were a Sub. I wouldn’t have come at you like that if I did.”

Buck is, relieved, he guesses, that Diaz hadn’t known his dynamic up front like Buck had known he was a Dom. He’s working on it, but he’s still got a lot of internalized hatred toward his identity as a Submissive, and as much as Cap has tried to instill pride in him, he worries that others might see it as a weakness. But.... he also feels bereft in a way. He knows he doesn’t look or act like most Subs. Most of the time, his strong physique and rough and tumble attitude are traits he’s proud of. Deep down, though, he’s always worried that he’s not a good Sub. It’s part of why he’s gravitated to hook-ups and relationships with other Subs or switches. It burns a little that a Dom like Eddie hadn’t recognized him; hadn’t seen him as a Sub. But it takes effort to continue whatever this is with Diaz, and Buck is already tired.

“Whatever, man. It’s all good.”

Diaz gives him a look that tells Buck he knows it’s just the opposite.

"No, look, I don't want you to be soft with me. I want you to know that if I needed to I could lay you flat.” Buck knows he went too far again- Diaz’s nostrils flare with irritation, but the Dom visibly calms himself, unclenching his fists which had balled up at Buck’s threat. Buck pushes his point home, “being a Sub doesn’t make me weak.”

Diaz looks alarmed at that pronouncement, “That’s not what I…”

The alarm blares through the station and Buck is mercifully saved from the rest of the conversation.

The ride to the call is tense. Chim tries to diffuse the situation-“So, a silver star, eh?”

Diaz looks uncomfortable, and Buck can tell immediately. But Chim forges ahead, oblivious.

“You save a platoon or something?”

“No, nothing like that, just a convoy.” It’s said nonchalantly, like Diaz is trying to come off cocky. Buck feels an undercurrent, though, and he can’t explain it but he knows Diaz is thrown off. His instincts scream at him to soothe him, and with all that has happened today, isn’t that the kicker? Buck clamps down angrily on the urge to comfort Diaz.

Mercifully for their newest addition, Hen wades in, her tone smooth and teasing, “Eddie, you heard about the hot firefighter calendar?”

“Sorry, the what?” Bobby chuckles, seeming particularly amused, but Buck’s at the end of his rope. He cuts off that line of inquiry

“So do people call you Eduardo?” Eddie is not amused. He's frowning now, and the corners of his mouth are definitely turned down.

“No,” he says shortly. 

Crap, now Buck realizes Diaz probably thinks he’s being rude on purpose. He’s not- he just can’t call the guy Eddie. His instincts are going haywire and he needs to not be that familiar with him, at least not until he can get ahold of himself. He doubles down.

“Do they ever call you Diaz?”

“Not if they want me to respond.”

“Something’s gotta give, we got Cap, Hen, Chimney…we can’t just call you Eddie.”

Diaz rolls his eyes. He turns to Chimney and says “I can’t tell if he’s being serious.”

Chimney doesn’t help- “I just operate under the assumption that nothing he says is serious,” Chimney smiles at Buck indulgently.

Once they get their patient into the ambulance (with a grenade embedded in him! Buck loves his job so much), Buck volunteers to go in the ambulance with Diaz- or Eddie. Now that the Dom has expressed in no uncertain terms his disapproval of being referred to as Diaz, Buck can’t even think it in his head without guilt, which annoys him.

It’s not usually Buck’s place to go in the ambulance, but he can’t let Eddie have all the fun, and as he said to Cap, he wanted them to bond.

The simple medical call turns into a heart stopping threat of explosion when Eddie tells him the round is live. As he realizes Eddie genuinely has experience he lacks, Buck lets him call the shots. He carefully keeps pressure on the wound and holds the man steady for Eddie while he extracts the round.

Just when they’re finally clear of the ambulance, it explodes behind them. He catches Eddie’s eye and bursts into inappropriate laughter. Eddie does too. Buck’s head had been remarkably clear in the ambulance- he and Eddie had worked seamlessly as a team. Eddie looks so pleased with him now, even a little impressed. Buck feels giddy with it, and he smiles brilliantly at Eddie.

You’re badass under pressure, brother.” 

Buck can’t help but perk up at the compliment. 

Eddie continues, “you can have my back any day.”

This is huge for Buck. He’s so relieved Eddie sees him as an equal. 

He stammers through “or…you could have mine,” feeling horrified when it comes out way too much like a come-on. 

Buck doesn’t even know if Eddie is interested in men. But Eddie just smiles back warmly, and claps him on the shoulder. Buck fights the urge, but can’t help leaning in a little bit. For the briefest instant, Eddie’s arm wraps around him from the side, like a half way imitation of a hug.

Buck’s definitely feeling dopey now. He climbs onto the truck with the rest of the team and smiles all the way back to the station.


	3. Chapter 3

Over the next few weeks, Buck and Eddie settle into the rhythm of being partners. They work together seamlessly. Eddie is conspicuously respectful of Buck’s space, and despite Buck’s early concerns, he never uses his dynamic against him. He’s also closed lipped about his personal life, until a 7.1 scale earthquake hits the station and the rest of L.A.

“Take cover!” Bobby orders while taking up a position in the doorway to his office.

Buck and Eddie take cover under the rig. While they wait out the aftershocks, Eddie is frantically typing on his phone.

“Who are you calling?”

“My kid.” Eddie bites out, harsher than he intended.

“You’ve got a kid?”

“Yeah, Christopher. He’s eight years old. Eddie shows Buck a photo. An adorable curly haired kid stares back at him with a toothy grin. Buck can’t help himself, “I love kids,” he says softly.

“I love this one,” Eddie says definitively. He’s got C.P., but he never lets it get him down,” Eddie adds, “I’m all he has. His mom’s not in the picture.” Buck hates himself a little for the swoop of hope that hits him when he hears that Eddie’s a single dad.

Eddie throws his phone down in frustration as his calls keep going to voicemail. His breath is coming in tight gasps. Buck reaches out to Eddie and places his hand on his shoulder, gently.

“School’s the safest place he could be, Eddie,” Buck intentionally pitches his voice as soft as it can go, willing Eddie to calm down. Eddie blinks, staring at where Buck’s hand is connecting them. He visibly relaxes, and Buck feels pretty good about having that effect on the Dom.

“You’re right,” Eddie says- and whatever else he would have said is cut off, because Bobby is on the move again, and the alarm is going off.

“Alright 118, move out. We’re being called to a high rise that’s shifted sideways. Quick, quick, quick.”

At the scene, he and Eddie are paired off and sent right into the hotel. They start at the top and clear the first few floors when they hear a man and woman calling for help.

Buck gasps when he opens the door and sees that the whole room is tilted sideways. A large man is pressed against the glass and the glass in the window is cracking, threatening to pop out and send the man tumbling to his death.

A much younger woman is clinging to the pillar in the middle of the room. She is closest, so protocol indicates that he and Eddie should get to her first.

“I think this is one of those situations where women and children shouldn’t come first,” says the older man from where he’s pinned against the window. He’s terrified, and Buck doesn’t blame him for his selfishness, not at first.

“Oh, isn’t that just typical? Now you’re all 21st century!” the young woman’s ire takes over from her fear and her fierce tone startles Buck and Eddie. She turns to them.

“This _creep_ is my boss- and he just tried to use his position to get me into the shower with him.”

“Honey, can you blame me? A gorgeous little Sub like you? I couldn’t help myself. You fellas understand, don’t you?”

Bile rose in Buck’s throat. Eddie’s face had darkened and he looked on the verge of saying something, when-

“Not that it’s any of your business, asshole, but I’m a Dom! And you’re married with kids!”

All of a sudden, the ground beneath Bucks feet moves and the room shifts and tilts dangerously downward. The young woman is swung around with the force of the aftershock, barely clinging to the couch. 

“Help, help, please help me!” her voice takes on a note of hysteria and she clings to the couch in fear.

Eddie and Buck need to act fast. Their other charge is also panicking-

“Alright, alright, I’m an asshole and a perv! But please, just save me!”

Eddie anchors himself to the door frame and Buck anchors himself to Eddie. Buck reaches his long arms out and, yes, he is just able to get hold of the girl. Eddie pulls them both to safety.

Unfortunately, that’s when another aftershock hits. The glass finally cracks all the way, and the window pane shatters. The man falls with a terrified scream, and Buck winces, hearing the final thud of his landing. The girl slides alarmingly close to the open window, and Eddie lunges after her, leaving Buck to spring after him. Eddie somehow pulls it off and catches the girl, but now she’s handing out the window, dangling, terrified, 17 stories above the pavement where her boss’ body is laid out. All three of them flinch away from the sight.

This is exactly what Buck has trained for and he steadily and skillfully hauls both Eddie and the girl back from the brink.

As he yards Eddie and the young woman up the slanted room, he feels a pang in his heart when he sees that Eddie is shielding the brunette’s eyes and has her gently turned her away from the mess below. Once he’s got a good grip on Eddie, he takes a moment. Eddie does, too. Buck feels him give a full body shudder next to him. He swallows down his rising nausea, hearing over and over the dull thud that had sounded when the man had fallen to the pavement below. He felt Eddie’s shoulder brush his and he couldn’t help but lean back into him.

“Move forward, Buck. We can’t think about him now.” Buck nods and tightens his grip on the young woman, who is trying not to cry.

“What’s your name?”

“I-it’s Allie.”

Buck smiles his most charming smile- “Nice to meet you, Allie-girl. We’re gonna get you down now.”

As Eddie secures the ropes around them, Buck leads the way, chattering to fill the silence and keep Allie’s focus off the danger they were in.

“What do you do, Allie?”

“Oh, I’m an architect and designer.” Buck smiles at her reassuringly, but he doesn't get a chance to say anything else because Eddie cuts off their conversation, speaking into the radio, “Buckley and Diaz reporting. Safe on floor 17 and bringing one survivor. Beginning descent.”

They carefully make their way down the stairwell when they hear a faint cry for help. It’s a man, Jake, with an obvious spinal injury. They can’t leave him behind to face the aftershocks, but they also can’t move him without a backboard.

Eddie smiles at Buck’s ingenuity when he has the idea to tie their second victim to an ironing board. Now hauling him behind them, all three of them groan when a few floors later, they come to a blockage in the stairwell. Eddie looks at Buck grimly. Nodding in unison, they agree that they’ll need to repel down the elevator shaft.

Allie is understandably freaked out.

“No! What if the elevator falls?”

“It won’t,” Buck says, trying to fill his voice with the confidence he doesn’t feel. He can tell their time is limited. The building is creaking ominously- and Jake looks like he’s about to pass out.

They are unlucky again when the elevator begins to creak and shudder. They are very lucky when they manage to get Jake, Allie, and themselves to safety just before it plummets downward, crushing everything left underneath it.

Finally, they make it to Bobby, passing Allie and Jake onto the paramedics.

Bobby is relieved to see them, but he’s pinched with worry.

“Thank God, you’re back. Hen is missing.” Buck’s heart drops. “She’s still alive- her GPS showed her on the move 10 minutes ago. She’s trapped behind this wall.” Bobby gestures at the basement cave-in. “We don’t have much time.”

Eddie and Buck take off at a dead run to get their tools from the truck.

All of a sudden their radios come to life with the stern order of the Incident Commander.

“All units, fall back. Evacuate. Repeat, all units, fall back and evacuate immediately.”

Eddie turns to fall back, reluctantly, but Buck keeps going toward the building.

“Buck, that was an order!”

Eddie’s face twists, the only indication of any inner conflict, but his voice strong, and the urge to do just what the Dom says is almost overpowering. But nothing trumps his loyalty to Hen. Hen- his first friend in L.A. Hen, who makes everything bearable when his submissive urges get too much to manage on his own. He will not leave her behind.

He turns around, stares Eddie right in the eyes, and defies the order.

“No, we won’t leave her behind. And _you’re_ coming with me!”

Eddie's jaw drops. He is completely shocked at Buck’s display of strength. Most Submissives would have obeyed the first order, and certainly would not have defied a second, let alone given a Dominant an order in return. Eddie never wanted to leave Hen in the first place, and he finds himself following Buck’s lead in spite of his military training. They barrel back into the building, where they find Chim and Bobby in similar disgrace.

Chim sets his jaw and crosses his arms, glaring resolutely at Bobby.

“I’ll never leave my partner behind. And you know Hen wouldn’t give up on any of us.”

Wordlessly, Bobby picks up one of the axes Eddie and Buck brought and they get to work. Buck grins grimly at their Captain. It may be their last day on the job, but it won’t be Hen’s last day on Earth.

They dig until sweat runs, unchecked down Buck's back and Eddie's arms tremble with exhaustion. Chim's fingers are bleeding, but he won't stop. They're not making much of a dent, however, and Buck and Bobby share a look of despair.

Suddenly, there are other axes being wielded against the wall.

The Incident Commander has come with the rest of the units! Out of the corner of his eye, Buck sees that Eddie is utterly nonplussed. When he was in the army, it was the good of collective which took precedence, at least in the eyes of the brass. He has never seen anything like this before. Buck grins fiercely and attacks the wall with renewed energy.

As the rock wall finally gives way, Hen tumbles out, along with a little girl and a…dog? Only Hen would manage to rescue both a kid and a dog. Buck gets a little emotional when the girl is reunited with her parents, and an equally hysterical lady engulfs the little dog in her arms.

* * *

Buck checks Hen over and then hugs her tightly, burying his face in her neck.

“I’m okay, Buckaroo.” He hears Hen, somehow soothing him rather than the other way around.

“S-sorry,” he chokes out.

“It's okay, Buck, I'm okay,” Hen cups his cheek and then is swept up by Chimney, who fusses over his best friend, guiding her over to the waiting ambulance.

Bobby is openly crying happy tears, and they all pile back into the truck. A day well-spent.

Buck is exhausted, and he’s pretty close to an adrenaline crash, but he knows the day isn’t over for Eddie. Eddie’s glued to his phone again- and he’s finally gotten through to Christopher’s school. Christopher is safe, but Eddie can’t wait to hold him in his arms and assure himself of that fact.

Buck volunteers to drive him, which is how he finds himself watching Eddie crush his son in a tight hug in the hallway of Christopher’s deserted school. The scene tugs at Buck’s heartstrings.

Eddie introduces Buck to Christopher.

“Hey, little man. I’m Buck, a friend of your dad’s.”

“Hi!” Chris greets enthusiastically. “Do you work with Daddy on the firetrucks?”

Buck’s grin splits his face, “Yeah, I do. Your daddy was a real hero today! He caught a girl and stopped her from falling.”

“Wow, Daddy. How did you do that?”

Before Eddie could reply, Buck is answering for him- “with his big muscles, of course. You know how strong your Dad is.” Buck doesn’t have time to be embarrassed about his comment, because Chris giggles, and points out “Daddy eats his veggies so he can be strong like Superman.”

Eddie ducks his head in embarrassment, a blush blooming along his cheek.

“Hey, do you wanna fly like Superman?”

Buck gets an enthusiastic cheer in response. Suddenly, Chris is airborne in Buck’s arms, horizontal to the floor with his arms extended like Superman as Buck races him to the car in that position. Eddie's just as charmed as Christopher.

Dropping Christopher and Eddie off at their house, Buck walks them to the door. Christopher darts right into the house, but Eddie lingers at the door with Buck.

“Thank you for making sure I got to him. You were really great with him.”

Eddie catches Buck’s eyes earnestly, and suddenly all the feelings of the day have caught up to Buck, and Eddie’s praise makes his warm inside.

“You thinks so? I really do love kids. I’d love to hang out with you guys sometime.”

“You’re always welcome here.”

Buck has to close his eyes at the ridiculous tears that sprung to them on hearing that from Eddie. After the day he's had, he's a little more sensitive than he'd like to be to the Dom's words. 

“Thanks, Eddie.”

“I mean it. We make a good team, Buck. But I’d like us to be friends, too.”

“We already are.”

Eddie smiles at that, the corners of his eyes crinkling kindly.

"I'm glad."

Eddie looks hesitant for a second, before holding out his arms for a hug. Buck steps into him eagerly, and dissolves internally as Eddie's arms come about his shoulders to hold him securely.

"Is this okay?" Eddie whispers into Buck's ear. "You looked like you needed it."

Buck nods into Eddie's neck, nonverbal. He can't help but let out a little whimper when he feels Eddie rubbing slow circles over his back.

By the time Eddie pulls back a few minutes later, Buck's got the beginning's of sub space gnawing at the edge of his consciousness. He feels good, but a little loopy.

"Are you okay to drive home? You can stay over if you're too tired," Eddie offers.

He looks more relaxed as well, the tension of the day having melted some from his shoulders.

"Naw, I should get back. Thanks though," Buck says shyly.

On the way home, Buck’s skin feels stretched thin over him as it often does after a day like this one. He recognizes the feeling for what it is- he badly needs to be taken down. He needs it so much that he’d been partway there with Eddie on his doorstep. He feels awful that his body is so responsive to Eddie, and disloyal to Abby, who isn’t even a Dom.

He texts her.

“Hey, we had a bad call today and I’m just missing you. Hope you’re having a good time.”

There’s no response, although Buck wasn’t expecting one right away. But he notes there was no response to his last text either. In his current state that brings tears to his eyes, and he takes a shuddery breath to calm himself.

He walks into Abby’s apartment and everything feels wrong. He strips the bed of Abby’s comforter and sheets and digs into one of his boxes, finding his weighted blanket. He wraps it around himself and curls into a tight ball. He imagines Abby holding him from behind. Traitorously, his imagination replaces the image with one of Eddie. He drifts off to sleep and dreams of Eddie holding him.

He can almost hear Eddie’s gravelly voice in his ear, “You were so good today, Buck. Such a good boy.”


	4. Chapter 4

When Buck wakes, it’s late afternoon. He blinks heavily against the sleep in his eyes and reluctantly emerges from under the weighted blanket. He deliberately doesn’t check his texts- he knows he won’t have heard from Abby and he doesn’t need anything to bring him further down. He’s on shift in two hours.

He knows he was hovering near a drop before he went to sleep, so he takes extra care with himself. He’s on shift in two hours.

He makes himself a smoothie bowl, adding some chia seeds for dimension and blueberries for colour and antioxidants. Then, he brings himself the rest of the way up with a run around the park. He relishes the burn in his calves and pushes himself harder, sprinting the rest of the way back to Abby’s apartment. He makes record time and grins to himself as he takes the stairs the rest of the way, taking pleasure in the simple power of his body.

When he opens the door, he sees a suitcase open in the living room- he can just make out the top of something lacy- maybe a dress? And he can hear the shower running. His heart surges and his whole body tingles with excitement.

Abby! Could it be that Abby’s home? She’s come back for him. 

He’s grinning so hard his cheeks hurt as he strips his shirt and running shorts off. He feels his body start to react, blood rushing downwards and his cock twitching with anticipation. He can’t wait to feel her, warm in his arms and tight around him. He strides into the bathroom completely naked, hands shaking with adrenaline as he turns the door handle.

Three things happen at once. A woman screams- that woman is not Abby- Buck starts so badly that he slips on the wet bathroom floor- and from Buck’s position prone on the floor he recognizes his sister, Maddie, who is frantically trying to cover herself with the shower curtain.

“Oh my gosh, Buck, what are you doing? Get out of here!”

Buck feels so many things at once he’s dizzy with it.

“Maddie! How did you get here?” he cries, equally frantically pulling a towel off the rack and over his lap. He scrambles to his feet.

“Just a sec!” she says, and Buck retreats to the bedroom to get dressed, waiting for her in the living room when he’s done.

Buck is disappointed that Abby’s not home, and he feels stupid for assuming that she was. The embarrassment of having his sister see him naked and obviously anticipating sex was slowly being replaced with anger, and not a little betrayal. He hasn’t seen Maddie in literal years. Where did Maddie come from? Why hasn’t she kept in touch? How did she even get in here?

When Maddie emerges, she’s wearing a pair of his sweatpants, rolled up at the cuff, and an old T-shirt. She looks tired, and vulnerable in a way Buck hasn’t seen her look before. The anger melts out of him, but he still asks insistently:

“Where have you seen? I called you, sent texts, cards- Christmas and birthdays- Buck’s face takes on a pinched look. “You never answered.”

Maddie is hit with a wave of sickening guilt. She knew she’d abandoned Buck during the worst of the years with Doug, but with every missed call and unanswered card, the gap had just gotten harder and harder to bridge. She can’t do it, even now. She avoids the question-

“Your security is terrible- I just smiled nicely and told the concierge I was your sister. He let me right up!”

“You flirted your way into my apartment?” Buck questioned drily.

Maddie arched her brow pointedly, “nothing you haven’t done before.”

“Okay, fair enough, but you haven’t answered my questions.” Buck crosses his arms and keeps his gaze trained steadily on his sister. He won’t be put off this time. “Where’s Doug?”

Maddie’s face falls and tears gather visibly in the corners of her eyes. It’s all Buck can do not to cross the room and take her into his arms.

“Doug and I had a falling out. I-I…” Maddie takes a deep breath, “I’m not going back to him.”

And then Buck does go to her. He opens his arms and she walks into them, tucking her head under his chin. He holds her in the same protective way she’d done with him countless times over the years. He feels her trembling against him and the last of his anger melts away. After a minute, he steps back.

“This is my girlfriend’s place- I’m house sitting while she’s traveling for a while.”

“Okay, well I’m only passing through- I’ll be gone in a few days, I promise.”

Buck is newly angry at the thought of Maddie leaving again so soon, but he fights down his impulse to snap at her and gentles his tone, “You can stay as long as you like, Maddie.”

Maddie flinches at the sudden noise when Buck’s phone alarm blares out the first few bars of ACDC’s “Highway to Hell”. Buck files away that reaction for later- he’s beginning to think there might be more than marital issues behind Maddie’s sudden reappearance in his life. But he doesn’t have time right now-

“Shit, I’m gonna be late to shift!”

“It’s almost 5:00 pm, Buck. Still bartending?”

“I’m an LAFD firefighter,” Buck tells her with pride, and Buck enjoys the proud expression that crosses Maddie’s face at that, but he can’t help but add, “which you would know if you’d ever picked up my calls or returned my messages.’ Her face falls again and he just can’t bring himself to feel too badly about it.

“Buck, I’m so sorry I haven’t been here for you. I’m proud of you, baby brother. Look at the life you’ve built here- a great job, nice apartment and a girlfriend.”

That settles something in Buck, and he fills with warmth.

Buck would much rather have showered after his run, but he settles for applying a liberal amount of deodorant as he gathers his things to run out the door.

“There’s food in the fridge- feel free to eat anything! There’s an air mattress in the front hall closet. I’ll be back early in the morning.” And with that Buck is off to fight with LA traffic.

* * *

When Buck gets to work a hair late, Bobby acknowledges this with a jerk of his hand toward the rig- which Buck takes to mean he’s on cleaning duty. Buck takes it in stride, letting the rhythm of scrubbing down the truck settle his nerves. The bustle of the firehouse helps him, too. Beside him, Chim is rolling hose. Hen is in the ambulance checking stock, and Eddie-wait. Where’s Eddie?

Eddie’s sitting at the kitchen table, his brow furrowed with worry. A calculator lies abandoned to his left and he’s got his phone open to several tabs worth of bills. Stress is rolling off Eddie in waves, and Buck feels almost pulled to his side.

He drops to the table beside Eddie.

“Hey, man. What’s going on?” Eddie turns his phone over so Buck can’t see the screen and sets it down with a clatter.

“It’s nothing, Buck. What’s up with you?”

But Buck ignores the question and looks earnestly at Eddie, “You know you can talk to me, Eds,” the nickname rolls off Buck’s tongue for the first time, and feels right if the way Eddie’s shoulders relax is anything to go by.

Eddie sighs. “When we moved from El Paso, I wanted a new start for Chris and me. But the bills are piling up- rent is crazy here- and there’s physical therapy and tutoring, and his new school is amazing, but nothing is cheap.” Eddie looks harassed.

“Eddie, there are all sorts of grants and subsidized program for kids with disabilities,” Buck ventures.

“I know, I know- it’s- just I never seem to have the time to go through it all- and the paperwork is fucking endless. On top of that, I keep having to leave Christopher with my Abuela- oh, uh, grandmother”- he explains needlessly.

“Does she mind?”

“No, it’s just, she’s almost eighty, and I worry about her as it is, and Christopher is getting bigger. He has so much energy now!” Eddie bites his lip. “Last night, she had a fall while she was looking after him. It wasn’t Christopher’s fault, but she tripped on the stairs. She broke her ankle.”

Eddie looked down, clearly upset. Buck hates seeing him this way. Buck thinks of Carla and how she’s been down a full time client since Abby’s mother had died. An idea is brewing in his head-

“Let me think on it, Eds.”

“What do you think you can do about it?” Buck doesn’t take offense to Eddie’s incredulous tone, instead placing a comforting hand on his back. It’s instinctual to want to calm Eddie and provide reassurance. Buck feels good doing it.

“You might be surprised.” Eddie looks at him, puzzled, a half smile forming in spite of himself.

The alarm interrupts the moment, and Hen, Chimney, Eddie and he race to the rig where Bobby has already climbed into the driver’s seat. He’s listening intently to dispatch.

“Okay, team. It’s a full on pile up- we’re gonna link up with station 120 when we get there. Hen, I need you to stay with the ambulances and treat the patients as they arrive with Anderson from the 120.

“Chim, I need you and Eddie with the backboards on evacuating those trapped in their cars. Buck- you’re with Kendrick from the 120- take the jaws and work on freeing people whose cars are too damaged. He wishes he was working with Eddie, but Kendrick is okay.

“Acknowledged, Cap!” Buck says as he leaps off the rig and takes off at a run to get the jaws. He finds Brent Kendrick- a guys he’s worked with before- and they start to pry the most stubborn doors off their hinges to allow the paramedics access.

After the second patient is strapped to Chimney’s gurney, Buck looks up and takes a moment to check their surroundings. Kendrick is motioning him over to the next car impatiently, but something is gnawing at Buck’s consciousness.

“Kendrick, do you smell that?”

“Smell what? Do you smell gas, Buckley?”

Buck’s not sure. He looks around and that’s when he sees it. There’s oil leaking from a truck positioned just upwind from the 118’s ambulance. Eddie and Chim are bringing another patient to the ambulance on a backboard, and Buck can feel the heat as a car behind the truck goes up in flames. Shit!

“Hen, Eddie, Chim, get out!” He tries over the radio, but his team just looks puzzled.

“Cap!” he radios next, “the ambulance is in the path of a gas leak and I think it’s about to go up.”

“Get yourself out of there, Buck,” Bobby’s voice comes through, and he sees Hen rushing to get into the driver’s seat to move the ambulance out of the way. She’s going to be too late.

Buck looks at Kendrick- there’s no time to tell him what he’s about to do. He snatches Kendrick’s extra set of keys to the 120’s rig and leaps up into the cab. He quickly moves the rig to shield the ambulance, just as the gas leak goes up in an explosion of fire and heat. The rig rocks sideways threateningly, and Buck gets a blast of heat, but it settles and he can hear his team and the 120 rushing to put out the fire.

When he gets down from the rig, he sees Bobby rushing toward him- he looks equal parts proud and frustrated.

“Buckley, report!””

“m’okay, Cap! Just a little dizzy’,” Buck says as he descends.

“Buckley!” It’s Captain Kinnear from the 120, and he looks furious. Buck’s physiology takes that moment to remind him that he’s a Sub, and that Captain Kinnear is most definitely a Dom.

“Did I give you permission to move the rig?!”

“I had to-“

“DID I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO MOVE THE RIG?”

“No, sir, but-”

“So you had no permission to move the rig, and you failed to alert the rest of us by radio when you observed the gas leak?” Captain Kinnear sounds dangerous.

“I-I-“ Buck wants to explain himself- he knows he was justified, but his throat is clamming up. He’s still dizzy from the explosion and his defenses are low. Half of him is angry at Captain Kinnear for missing the hazard himself, but he’s also fighting the instinct to curl up and apologize until this Dom isn’t mad at him anymore. He needs-

“He did alert his team by radio.” It’s Bobby, thank goodness, “but there wasn’t time to move the ambulance. Diaz and Han were in harm’s way with a patient.”

Buck’s instincts saved them. That's what Bobby is saying. Buck is so relieved. Bobby's support temporarily stops the trembling in Buck's knees.

“It’s a shame about the damage to the rig, but I stand behind Firefighter Buckley’s call.” 

Captain Kinnear advances on him, though, until he’s backed up against the still hot rig. It feels like he’s looming over Buck, even though they’re of a height. He places his hands on Buck’s shoulders, and his grip is this side of painful.

“Your hotheadedness caused thousands of dollars of damage to our rig and put the lives of my team at risk. Your Captain may not see the issue, but the brass is going to hear my side in our incident report.”

The words Captain Kinnear uses are measured and harsh, but fair from his own perspective.

But from Buck's, his face is twisted with rage, and he's using a sharp tone. What pushes Buck over the edge is the way he's physically leaning into Buck's space. His grip feels hot like a brand in Buck’s shoulders. He can feel the way each finger is digging into his skin. He opens his mouth to defend himself, to say something, anything, but what comes out is a whimper. He’s humiliated, hearing himself make that soft, submissive sound, and he closes his eyes tightly. His knees are shaking and he's fighting so hard not to go down to the ground.

“Get ahold of yourself, Captain!” that’s Bobby. 

Kendrick tries to intervene, too, “Cap, he tried to tell me, but there wasn’t time. Also, you’d better let go, Buck’s a sub, and you're scaring-“ Kendrick is cut off by a furious Eddie Diaz, who doesn't hold back for the sake of professionalism.

“Get your fucking hands off him before I have your Dominant ass reported for mistreatment of a Sub.” Eddie’s eyes are flashing and he’s drawn up to his full height.

Buck whimpers again and Eddie looks stricken by the sound. Fat tears are gathering in his eyes, and seeing that, Captain Kinnear drops his hands from Buck’s shoulders as though he’s been burned.

He looks to Bobby, “He’s a Sub? I- I didn’t know. I wouldn’t have…” the Captain trails off, then rasps out in frustration,“well he sure doesn’t act like one.” That’s too much for Buck to bear, and, now free, he stumbles away from the arguing captains toward Eddie.”

Eddie’s already got his arms open, and he catches Buck up in them. “Hey, hey, it’s alright,” he soothes in a low tone, easily tucking Buck’s head under his chin even though Buck is the taller of the two. Buck’s body heaves with a sob, and his knees would have given out without Eddie's support. Dimly, he can hear Bobby yelling at the other Captain. 

Eddie gently leads him behind their own rig.

“I don’t feel good.” Buck confesses to Eddie. He's crying openly now and it tugs at Eddie's heart. “I know, sweetheart. You’re dropping, but I’m going to help you.”

The term of endearment washes over Buck like a comforting blanket.

Eddie brings Buck up into the back of the rig. He straddles his legs out and he holds Buck firmly between them. He shows Buck his hand and gestures toward the back of his neck as he'd seen Hen comforting him before. Buck nods his permission and Eddie presses down firmly on the back of Buck's neck. The pressure and security of being held like that do help. As he comes back up, Buck becomes aware that the rig is moving, Bobby at the wheel. 

“I don’t know how you saw that gas leak before anyone else, but you saved our lives today.”

“I- yeah- I thought if I waited to radio all of you, there wouldn’t be enough time.”

“And you were right- there’s CCTV all over this city, Buck. I’m sure we’ll find footage of the explosion that will prove it.”

“But Captain Kinnear-“

“Was acting totally inappropriately. He made a judgment without all the facts- and Buck…No one should ever touch anyone like that without their consent.”

Buck looked up at Eddie, needing to hear that he wasn’t in the wrong. Eddie continued.

“It was thoughtless and extremely inappropriate. Coming from a Dom towards a Sub, it’s abusive. Captain Kinnear is lucky you’re so mentally tough. He could really have done some damage.”

“But he…” Buck pauses, unsure if he wants to continue, “couldn’t even tell I was a Sub.”

“Aw, Buck, that's not your fault. Your dynamic is your business and the business of people who are close to you.” Eddie blushed at his own implication that he was close to Buck, but persevered, “It wasn’t up to you to warn Captain Kinnear, it was up to him to respect the boundaries due to any subordinate, regardless of their dynamic. You don’t touch people without their consent. Period. No matter how mad or justified you think you are.”

Buck took that in as the rig pulled into the station. He felt well enough now to get up, and he did.

“Thanks, Eddie,” he said as Eddie helped him down.

Hen and Chim were pulling into the station as well. Hen jumped out of the back of the ambulance and had Buck pulled into a tight hug. Still feeling shaky, he leaned into her, tucking his arms around her smaller body and ducking his head down to rest on top of hers.

“Thank you, Buckaroo.”

“For what?” Buck asked, confused.

“Chim and I were right in the line of that explosion, honey. Without your quick thinking, I might not have been going to home to Karen and Denny tonight.”

With that, the rest of Buck’s confidence slips back into place. He’s a good firefighter. He made the right call. Kinnear was a just a dominant asshole.

“Are you okay, Buck? I heard he was pretty rough with you.” Hen’s tone is warm and loving, and so comfortingly familiar that Buck feels tears rise to the surface again. He squeezes his eyes shut, but not in time, as two of them slip down his cheeks.

“I-I will be, Hen.”

She gives him another tight squeeze and then pulls back. Chimney is right behind her and he pulls Buck into another hug.

“Thanks, man. I owe you one. I’m tired of physical therapy, he says, referencing the months he had off after the his accident with the rebar.” Buck chuckles wetly and when he looks up, Bobby’s there. Bobby had been supportive in the field, but he really hopes he hasn’t changed his mind. Bobby hasn’t.

“Buck, your quick thinking today protected Hen, Chimney, and a patient. I know Captain Kinnear wasn’t happy with the decision you made to use the 120’s rig to block the explosion, but people are always worth more than equipment. When they see the CCTV of how close the explosion came, I’m sure the brass will agree.”

“I didn’t follow the chain of command. I’m sorry, Bobby.”

“Buck, the chain of command is important,” Buck flinches a little at this; he couldn’t help it, “But your quick thinking under pressure is one of the reasons I’m proud to have you on our team. You absolutely made the right call.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. Please don’t let this affect your confidence. And if you would like to file a formal complaint against Captain Kinnear, I will support you and so will the team. He assaulted you.” Bobby looks back at the team, who are all nodding.

“I- thank you, I don’t think I want to, but thank you. I’ll think about it.” Buck’s still feeling raw.

“Buck, there’s still 6 hours left of the shift, but I think you should go home and get some rest.” Buck blinked, taking that in- he didn’t want to miss the rest of shift, but his instincts were still going haywire. He wanted nothing more than to climb back into Eddie’s lap and stay there all day.

“Cap, I can stay if I can get in a quick nap in the bunk room.” Bobby nodded. He climbs the stairs to the bunk room clumsily and is asleep before he knows it. When he wakes up, it’s to Eddie gently shaking his shoulder.

“Hey, it’s time to go home.”

“Wha-“ Buck sits up quickly, stunned that he’s been asleep six hours.

“We didn’t get any calls,” Eddie assures him. “I think Cap may have taken us offline. We were just doing inventory and cleaning up around here most of the time.”

Buck blinks sleepily and starts to gather his things. He checks his texts and sees that Carla had replied to him.

Eddie turned to him, “Buck, why don’t you come over tomorrow? Christopher would love to see you.”

“Oh yeah, mind if I bring a friend? I’ve got someone for you to meet.” Eddie looked a little taken aback, but agreed. “I could always use a new friend.”

Buck grins, “you don’t know the half of it yet.”

When he makes it back to Abby’s, it’s to the smell of Maddie’s home made Mac-n-Cheese casserole. He takes a deep breath and breathes in the smell of home. He hugs Maddie tightly and deliberately avoids sensitive topics.

They both need a peaceful night.


	5. Chapter 5

Maddie’s been settling in really well in L.A. Although at first, she’d seemed eager to leave at the first opportunity, she’d stopped talking about leaving about a week after arriving. At Buck’s suggestion, she’s begun work as a 911 dispatcher. Buck loves having her around- it’s wonderful to have someone to come home to again. They’re midway through a tub of cookie dough ice cream and another season of “The Bachelor” when Maddie shocks him out of his complacency.

“Buck, I need to move out.” Buck drops the spoon he was holding. “What? But you just got here, and you just started work!”

“No, no Buck, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean out of L.A. I just need my own space again. I can’t be living in my brother’s apartment.”

“It’s Abby’s apartment,” is all Buck can think to say. Maddie looked at him pointedly. “I don’t think it’s been Abby’s apartment for awhile, Evan.”

Buck blinks rapidly- Abby has completely ghosted him now. She hasn’t replied to any of his texts in weeks. He knows he needs to move on, had already decided on it- but he can’t handle that thought at the same time as losing his sister again. He insists, “But you can stay here as long as you want. You’re always welcome here, Maddie.”

“Oh, Buck. I know I am. But I need my own space if I’m going to stay in L.A. I can’t live in my little brother’s dining room forever. I’ve actually already found a place. I’m moving in this weekend.”

“Buck grins- so you’ve decided to stay?!”

Maddie smiles back, equally happy. “I have, Buck. You’re all the home I need.”

Buck is filled with warmth at that. “I’ll get the gang together. We’ll help you.”

“Oh, Buck, you don’t have to do that!”

“That’s what family’s for,” Buck replies, meaning two things and feeling so lucky to have both. He turns off the TV. “Let me help you pack.” Over the next few hours, he and Maddie pack up most of her things. She’s accumulated more than Buck would have thought she could, having only been here a couple of months. He’s packing away some of his extra dishes for her (he can get by with Abby’s) when one slips from his hand and shatters on the kitchen floor below.

“Aww, shit. Maddie, can you get the dustbuster?” But he doesn’t hear his sister moving.Assuming she’s out of ear shot, Buck yells. “MADDIE! Can you bring me the hand held vacuum?!” He hears the little gasp Maddie makes behind him. Concerned, he whips around to see his sister is still in the room. But she has slid down the wall behind the kitchen island, her knees pulled to her chest. She’s shaking all over and her face is buried in her knees. Cold understanding dawns and pain rips through his chest as realization hits him that Doug had been worse than he’d let himself think.

“Mads? It’s me, Evan. He uses his real name on purpose, knowing it would be the most familiar to Maddie. "Can I come sit with you?” He gets a jerky nod, but Maddie doesn’t look up. He sits next to her. He’s grateful he’s had so much trauma training, because he knows not to touch her without her permission.

“Maddie, can I give you a hug? Is that something you’d like right now?” Maddie nods again, and all of a sudden he’s got a lap full of Maddie, and he’s holding her for all they’re both worth. They’re both crying, and Maddie’s apologizing over and over.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Evan, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry I let him…” She doesn’t finish that thought, but keeps up with the apologies. It’s awful. Buck has never seen his sister laid so low.

“Maddie, Maddie it’s ok. There’s nothing to forgive. It’s not your fault.” Of that much, Buck is very sure. “You’ve made it out. You’ve come back to us. He’s not here anymore.” Buck pulls Maddie back onto the couch, and because he doesn’t know what else to do, he puts on an episode of “the Bachelor”. Maddie laughs through her tears as yet another contestant is filmed seemingly giving an interview to a raccoon. He holds her until they’re both ready for bed. Just before they part for the night, Maddie turns to Buck.

“I’m not moving out to leave you, Evan. I never want to do that again.”

Hearing her say that out loud is everything to Buck. He feels something wounded in him settle. He knew that, intellectually, but the part of him that is still 14 years old had felt abandoned all over again when Maddie had announced she was moving out.

“I’m moving out because for so long I was dependent on Doug. Then I came here, and you’ve been amazing. You helped me get back on my feet, found me a job, and you’re sharing your friends with me. But I need to do something that's just for me. I need to feel like I’m standing on my own two feet. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Maddie. I really do.”

As expected, the 118 is easily bribed with pizza and beer to help Maddie move her things. Eddie and Chim are maneuvering a new couch Maddie has just bought around a difficult corner. Buck’s eyes are drawn to where Eddie’s forearms are flexing tightly, when Maddie remarks to him, “He’s so cute.”

Buck grins in answer, “He gets that all the time. Wait til you meet his kid!”

Maddie’s eyes widen in shock, “Chimney has a kid?”

Caught out, Buck stumbles a little, “Oh, you meant Chim? You think Chim’s cute?”

“Who else?” Maddie follows Buck’s gaze to where Eddie has now set down his end of the couch and is now bent over securing the carpet protectors on the legs, and-

“Oh!” She grins knowingly, and Buck cringes internally.

“Why don’t you ask him out?”

“Keep your voice down!” Buck hisses.

“I don’t understand- he seems very sweet, and obviously likes you enough to help you move your sister on a weekend day when he has a kid. Where is Christopher today?”

“Eddie dropped him off with his Abuela.”

Maddie shoots him a meaningful look. “It’s not like that, Mads. It’s what we all do for each other.”

“If you say so,” Maddie drops the subject tactfully, knowing when to stop pushing. It surely has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Chim has come up the stairs again carrying another box.

“Over here, Chimney,” and Maddie’s guiding Chimney into the bedroom, where he, seemingly equally charmed, is now helping her sort her dresses into the closet. He blushes bright red when he hands her a short lacy red number. Buck rolls his eyes. He is so calling him on that later.

He turns back to go down the stairs with Eddie, letting their shoulders brush together innocently. Eddie slings a friendly arm over his back and they head back out to the moving truck. Eddie takes a long look at the boxes that still need to be brought in, and turns to Buck.

“We’ll take the boxes labeled dining room next. Go get the table legs and I’ll take the top.” Buck’s already moving to carry out Eddie’s instruction when he notices that Eddie’s phrased it as an order rather than a suggestion. He looks back at Eddie, who’s bright red with the same realization.

“Sorry, uh, I mean-“ Buck cuts him off, “it’s okay. I didn’t mind,” he smiles at Eddie disarmingly, and Eddie forgets the rest of what he meant to say, “Yeah?” he grins.

“Yeah,” Buck replies, also grinning shyly. something burning under his skin. It simmers down as they finish moving Maddie in, but he feels like something is changing between him and Eddie, and he doesn't know exactly what it is.

At the end of their exhausting day, Eddie invites Buck over. Buck agrees easily and goes with Eddie to pick up Chris. The little boy is overjoyed that Buck is there with his dad.

“Bucky!” Chris leaps into Buck’s arms, and he catches him easily. “Are you coming home with us?”

“Someone’s gotta stop your dad from burning the house down with his cooking.” Chris shrieks with laughter, at which Eddie jokingly wrinkles his nose.

“Traitor!”

“Sorry, Daddy. Buck’s only a little bit better at cooking than you.” Christopher has such a sweet heart, he can’t bear hurting his dad’s feelings, even in fun.

“Well, I guess as long as he’s only a little bit better, that’s okay then.” Eddie smiles softly at Buck and drives them all back to the house.

Chris won’t stop chattering- he’s now telling Buck all about the new Harry Potter themed lego set he’s just gotten. (Those things are way too expensive, but Eddie’s got too soft a heart where his kid is concerned.)

“It’s the Quidditch Pitch, Bucky! And it has all the balls. Did you know there’s a quaffle, a snitch, and a bludger? The bludger flies around smashes into things!” Both Buck and Chris look a little too pleased at that and Eddie says a quiet requiem for the cleanliness of his living room.

Pretty soon, he and Buck whip up a quick spaghetti dinner with garlic bread, and Chris is falling asleep on the couch between them as they watch Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. Chris is tucked against Eddie’s left side, and Eddie’s sitting with his legs spread apart. His right knee is pressing into Buck’s where he’s sitting on the other side of the couch. The warmth from Eddie’s leg feels like it’s traveling all the way up Buck’s side. His cheeks are pink with it. Eddie sees that and smirks a little, raising an eyebrow.

Eddie carries Christopher off to bed around 8:00 pm. Buck takes the opportunity to start cleaning up. He always likes to be helpful, but he gets a particular feeling of satisfaction from helping Eddie. Every dish he puts away feels like an accomplishment. The warm fuzzy feeling in him expands when he sees Eddie smiling softly at him from the entrance to the kitchen.

“Thanks, Buck. You didn’t have to do that.” Eddie pours him a beer. Buck takes a big swig, the neck of the beer bottle lingering in his mouth as he mumbles around it.

“I wanted to.” The beer bottle makes a slight “pop” sound as it snags on his tongue on the way out of his mouth. Buck wasn’t even trying to be sexy, but it seems that’s all Eddie can take.

“God, Buck.” Suddenly, Eddie gripping Buck by the hips and pushing him back against the counter. His lips are on Buck’s and Buck’s so quick to relax against him that his head tips back and smacks into the cupboard behind him. Eddie grins through the kiss, and moves his hand to cup the back of Buck’s head. His tongue is in Buck’s mouth. Buck sucks it in eagerly. He moans into the kiss and his legs fall open of their own accord, letting Eddie press his thigh in between them.

Buck makes a high sound at that, “Ah!” The pressure of Eddie’s thigh against his rapidly hardening cock is so good. He can feel Eddie at his hip, hard and bulging. He gets his hands up Eddie’s shirt and clutches at the small of his back, massaging away the tension he feels there. Anything to relieve the pressure.

“Aw, Buck, baby, that’s so good.” Eddie dives down under Buck’s jaw and sinks his teeth into his neck. Buck actually feels his cock jerk in his underwear at that. He can’t help but rock into Eddie’s leg.

“Yeah, honey, that’s it. Get yourself off on my thigh.” Eddie rips Buck’s shirt over his head, and Buck watches eagerly as he pulls his own off.

And then Eddie does something that makes Buck’s eyes roll back into his head. He hitches Buck up by the hips, pinning him against the counter with his thigh. Buck’s feet are only nominally on the ground, most of his not inconsiderable weight supported by Eddie. Buck sobs and clings to Eddie, burying his face tightly in his neck. No one has ever been able to pick Buck up like that before. He’s absolutely gone for it.

In a whisper, because he’s already been too loud, Buck asks, “Please, Eddie. Wreck me.”

“Fuck!” that’s Eddie, and he’s grinding down hard on Buck’s hip. “God, you make me fucking crazy, Buck. So good. All the time for me.” They’re rocking together now. Dimly, Buck recognizes that they probably should have slowed down and talked about what was happening, but there’s no stopping them.

“I- Eddie, I-Ah! I can’t, I’m gonna-“ Buck can’t finish the sentence as Eddie’s thigh rocks into his dick, moving the soft fabric of his underwear over the sensitive head again.

“Yeah, sweetheart? You gonna cum for me? That’s so hot. Go ahead. You can do it.”

The permission is what really sets him off. Buck drops his head into the crook of Eddie’s neck and cums. He shudders through his orgasm, whining so high it’s barely audible. Eddie keeps him upright through it. What feels like an eternity later but is really only a minute, Buck lifts his head from where it’s buried against Eddie’s chest.

Eddie’s still panting harshly. Buck realizes suddenly that Eddie’s on the knife’s edge. Taking in Eddie’s heaving chest, if he could have cum again he would have. Instead, Buck drops to his knees. “Please, Eddie. On me.”

Eddie groans aloud. Too loud. But then he’s undoing his jeans and taking out his cock. It’s thick and veiny, and Buck’s mouth waters in response. And then Eddie’s jerking off. It only takes a few strokes before he’s cumming too, all over Buck’s chest. Buck’s eyes glaze over at the feeling of being marked. Eddie’s gasping through it. He pitches forward and grabs the counter on both sides of Buck’s head where he’s kneeling, panting softly.

Eddie leans down and trails his hand through the mess on Buck’s chest. They look at each other apprehensively, knowing they’ve both gone a lot farther than they maybe should have. Buck can see the anxiety developing on Eddie’s face, and he whimpers. He needs Eddie to not be thinking whatever it is he’s thinking right now. He’s only half there.

Eddie pulls himself together, schooling his features and hiding whatever vulnerability that was to look after Buck. He gently cups Buck’s face and kisses him again.

“Was I good?” Buck can’t help but ask.

“So good, Buck. So good for me. C’mere.” Eddie pulls Buck to standing and supports his weight as his knees buckle. Buck stumbles a little. He feels all out of sorts, but he knows this is the time when his hook ups are usually looking for a way to get rid of him.

“I’ll be ready to go in five minutes, I promise.” Eddie blanches. “Is- is that really what you want?” There’s the vulnerability again. This time Buck can see it for what it is. Eddie is afraid Buck will leave him. He back peddles, suddenly realizing that Eddie is as needy as he is in his own way.

“No, no. But Chris?”

“You let me worry about that.”

Buck is unsure what to do next. He looks lost, and then Eddie takes control, steering him toward the bathroom. Buck leans back against the bathroom counter, blinking owlishly. Eddie groans in awe as he moves to help Buck out of his jeans, taking in the wet spot across Buck's groin that showed off his enjoyment. He gently strips Buck, getting a good look at him for the first time.

Buck whimpers again, feeling exposed. But Eddie is so gentle with him. He grasps Buck by the shoulders, looking him up and down.

"Wow, you're so beautiful." Tears spring to Buck's eyes at that. No one has ever called him beautiful before. Sure, he'd gotten a lot of compliments on his looks over the years. He'd gotten a lot of people calling him "hot", and the occasional "gorgeous". But never beautiful. Not even Abby had said that. He looks away, bashful.

Eddie seems to understand. He moves away to turn the shower on.

“Get in,” Eddie orders softly as he adjusts the temperature to be warm enough, but not too hot. He soaps Buck up, gently washing him, letting Buck hide his face in Eddie’s chest, and never making him feel too big to do that, even though Buck is leaning down to do it. When they’re both clean, Eddie pulls Buck into a hug, and sways them back and forth under the warm spray. He feels small and safe.

Eddie bundles Buck into a towel, and fills a glass of water for him, placing it on Buck’s side of the bed. He lies down and opens his arms. Buck crawls into them. The feeling of skin to skin contact with Eddie is indescribable. He listens to Eddie’s steady heartbeat, and falls asleep to Eddie’s hand in his hair.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Thank you all so much for your kind comments and kudos. They are so encouraging to receive!


	6. Chapter 6

A/N This is 10% plot and 90% smut, hopefully that makes up a little for the long break between chapters! Thank you all so much for your comments and kudos. It's so nice to hear that people are connecting with this fic!

* * *

When Buck wakes up, he’s still in Eddie’s bed. There’s a warm spot next to him indicating Eddie’s absence, and he hears Chris’ soft chatter in the kitchen. He sits up blearily and turns over to find his phone on the nightstand. There’s a note in Eddie’s scrawl- “taking Chris to school- back in 30.” As if on cue, Buck hears the door open and shut and the rumble of Eddie’s truck starting.

He feels sort of like he’s out of his own body. He needs to get home- back to Abby’s to change before shift starts. The thought hits him like a bucket of ice water. He hasn’t even broken up with Abby, and even though he knows that's because she's ghosted him, he feels guilty. Has he cheated on her with Eddie?

He shudders with a wave of heat remembering what they did last night. What he feels for Eddie is like a magnetic pull he’s shit at resisting.

The guilt gnaws at him. He’d told Abby he’d wait for her. Even if she seemingly wasn’t waiting for him, it felt like a betrayal. He’s going to text her and end it for good, even if he’s half sure she’s not even reading his texts.

He gets up, intending to leave before Eddie gets back, but he finds himself waiting for him anyway. The note Eddie left implied that’s what he wanted, and Buck is loath to disappoint him, even though he knows he's not Eddie's Sub or his boyfriend.

He puts on a pot of coffee and waits. Not too long later, Eddie returns. He’s sporting a blush and rubbing the back of his own neck nervously.

“Hey, I-“

“Buck, can we talk?”

Buck knows how this conversation goes. He’d maybe naively hoped last night that it wasn’t going to go this way, but the pit in his stomach that’s been growing since he woke up warns him he was right.

Eddie sits down, and drops his head down into his hands.

“I-I think I might have messed up.”

Even though he was expecting something like this, Buck feels punched in the gut, “What?”

“No, no, I…” Eddie blows a sigh past pursed lips and tips his head back, frustration building. “You wouldn’t want me as your Dom, Buck. I’m a shit Dom, and I was a worse husband.” Eddie looks so wretched that Buck pushes down his hurt.

“There’s a lot there to unpack, Eddie.”

“You’re not wrong,” Eddie grins ruefully. His humour belying the seriousness of the situation. Buck bristles at that.

“Who said I wanted you as my Dom, anyway?” Buck says waspishly. “I’ve never needed a Dom before.”

Eddie groans, “Look, I’ve gone about this all wrong, again. I’m sorry. I…really like you, Buck. And last night was really good.” Eddie paused, shifting- whether it was from discomfort or remembered arousal, Buck couldn’t tell.

“Things are…” Eddie paused again “complicated for me… because of Chris, and Shannon. I’m still technically married to her.”

Buck blanches a little at this revelation. Eddie notices and winces before continuing,

“When she left us, I didn’t even know how to get ahold of her. We haven’t talked about whether divorce is something we both want. She didn’t leave a forwarding address and she blocked my number.” Eddie swallows thickly.

“Chris and I-we just started over here and we’re finding our footing. I really don’t want to fuck anything up for him more than it already is.”

“What are you saying, Eddie?”

“I don’t know. In the short time we’ve known each other, you’ve been here for me and Chris ways I can never repay. If you hadn’t introduced me to Carla, I never would have figured out how to apply for the grants that help pay for Chris’ school and therapy. You’ve been so good to us, to me. I’m just…not in a place where I think I can offer anything worthwhile.”

Eddie looks up at Buck from where he’s been sitting with his eyes downcast. He holds Buck's gaze, willing him to see and understand what he's failing to put into words. He hates himself in this moment.

And this- well, self hatred is something Buck knows a little too well. This look of self-loathing Buck understands. He takes control of the conversation.

“Look, I’m not anxious to fuck anything up here either, Eddie. But for what it’s worth, if all we end up being is friends, then being your friend is worthwhile.”

Eddie’s eyes sting and he hides his emotion with a sip of coffee. “That means a lot.”

Buck sees it, though, and he opens himself up again in response.

“Being around you helps when it feels like my skin is stretched too thin- I feel calm when I’m around you. I know it’s the same for you. I don’t need a Dom,” he repeats, needlessly, “but I do want you.”

“I won’t tie you down to me, Buck.”

“Who said anything about tying anyone down? We’re friends first. Anything else? That’s just blowing off steam.”

“It’s not just blowing off steam to me, Buck. I just can’t commit to being more than this just now.”

“Understood.” Buck said simply. “See you at work.”

* * *

A long twelve hour shift later, Buck, Eddie, Chim, and Hen are washing off the day’s work in the early morning hours, getting ready to go home. After a 4 car pile up on the highway, a kitchen fire, and an injured cyclist, Bobby’s team is exhausted. Buttoning up his shirt, Buck catches Eddie’s gaze. It’s smouldering. Buck can hardly control his body’s reaction. He needs to go right now or he’s gonna do something stupid like jump Eddie at work.

He tries to make a smooth exit, tries to hide that his heart is pounding from the stress of the night and the heat of this exchange, but Eddie intercepts him in the parking lot. He’s looking stressed too.

He holds out his arms, asking, “Can I?”

Instead of responding verbally, Buck crumples into the hug, sagging into Eddie’s tight hold. Eddie’s right hand is firmly cupping the back of his neck, and Buck’s knees badly want to give way. He hears himself whimper, and blushes with embarrassment.

“Hey, baby, you’re okay.”

The term of endearment has Buck curling into Eddie’s neck, intimately. It also has an embarrassingly quick effect on his cock, which starts filling. Buck's swift capitulation has an effect on Eddie, too.

He makes a noise that's half between a groan and a growl, “You like it when I call you that?”

“Too much,” Buck says into Eddie’s neck. Eddie grins as he feels Buck’s hips pressing insistently against his.

Eddie gets his hands under Buck’s ass and lifts, pressing him against the Jeep. Buck gasps and has no choice but to instinctively wrap his legs around Eddie’s waist. Buck’s immediately fully hard.

“E-Eddie, ah- oh, you’ve gotta stop. Anyone could see us here.”

Eddie pulls back, knowing Buck’s right. He’s panting into Buck’s neck.

“Sorry, got carried away.” Eddie hasn’t been affected like this by a Sub since he and Shannon were teenagers.

“We’ve got an hour or two before the sun comes up. Meet me at mine?” Buck asks.

The look Eddie gives him in response has heat flashing all the way through his body.

* * *

When they make it back to Buck’s apartment, Eddie wastes no time. He picks Buck up again and Eddie carries him back to the bedroom, having no trouble in spite of Buck’s greater size. He lays Buck out on the bed and kisses him deeply. Buck arches under him, trying to get Eddie to cover him with his whole body.

Buck gets his mouth on Eddie’s neck, sucking a red mark along Eddie’s jaw under his ear. Eddie groans low in his throat, and, grasping both of Buck’s arms, he presses Buck down into the mattress.

“This okay?” Buck nods eagerly.

“You’re my good boy, aren’t you, Buck?” Buck’s mind is immediately mush and his cock is impossibly harder.

“Yeah, I can tell. You’re just made for me, aren’t you, baby?”

Buck whimpers. He feels a little blurt of pre-cum leak out of his cock. He honestly can’t help the next words that come out of his mouth.

“Yes, I’ll be so good for you, Eddie.”

Embarrassed, he looks up for reassurance. He finds it. Eddie’s looking down in something like awe.

“I know you will, sweetheart. What do you want?”

“You.”

Eddie laughs, not unkindly. “You’re going to have to be a bit more specific, Buck,” he teases.

Buck spreads his legs in a non verbal invitation. “Please.”

“Please what, baby?”

“Please, I need your cock.”

Eddie’s utterly dumbstruck by that. Buck shimmies off the bed, pulling Eddie’s jeans and boxers down. He kneels between Eddie’s legs, taking the fat head of his cock into his mouth. Buck moans around it, unable to hold it in. He feels a perfect sense of calm wrap around him as he sucks Eddie down, deeper and deeper on each bob of his head. All of the white noise that normally invades his mind is quiet. He is nothing but Eddie’s. His mouth fills with saliva as Eddie’s cock hits the back of his throat again and again. He knows he makes quite a sight, drooling over Eddie as he fits more and more of him into his mouth.

Eddie gives a long sigh of pleasure, "Aaaah-aah".

Buck looks up through tear filled eyes.

“Oh baby, you look so good on your knees.”

Buck smirks a little at that cliché line, but finds that a burst of pleasure runs through him all the same at hearing it. Buck knows he’s good at giving head. And then Eddie gently but firmly takes hold of his head, curling his fingers in Buck’s hair.

“This okay?” Buck nods again, and Eddie gently starts to fuck his mouth. It feels so perfect. Buck moans a little on every thrust, his cock straining against his tight jeans. He feels as though he might cum just from making Eddie feel good. Then Eddie starts talking.

“Sweet boy, you’re doing so good." 

Buck swallows Eddie down again.

"Ah, Evan, that’s so good.”

Buck's a little shocked to hear his real name from Eddie, but finds he doesn't mind so much as he expected. He swirls his tongue around the head of Eddie’s cock on the next thrust.

“Oh! Yessss. Good boy, Evan. That’s it, baby. You’re perfect.”

Hearing Eddie saying just the right things about him felt too good to be true. He starts to tear up in a way that has little to do with the cock down his throat. He is also starting to leak steadily into his boxers. He’s too close and he hasn’t even been touched yet.

He pulls off Eddie, gently.

“Buck? What’s the matter, sweetheart?” Buck can’t find the words to talk about the feelings behind his tears, so he focuses on his physical issue instead.

“If-if we keep going, I’m afraid I’m going to cum and you haven’t given me permission to do that yet.”

Eddie groans at the thought. “You’re going to cum just from sucking my cock?”

Buck looks down, embarrassed.

“Sorry.”

“Damn, Buck, don’t apologize, that’s the hottest thing I’ve ever heard. Let’s get you out of these tight jeans.”

Eddie helps Buck out of his pants, and pulls him up onto the bed. He lies back against the pillows, and Buck crawls up between his legs. He takes Eddie back into his mouth, his newly freed dick rubbing against the softness of the comforter. He regains his rhythm, enjoying the weight and thickness of Eddie in his mouth again. Eddie is making soft noises continually now. Buck can’t wait to make him cum.

“I- close, Buck, I’m close.”

Buck looks up at him quizzically, before taking him down to the root.

Eddie moans long and loud, but hauls Buck off of him, looking down in concern.

“Where?” Eddie asks brokenly.

Buck just takes him back in. Eddie’s not satisfied with this non verbal answer, though.

“Is it okay if I cum in your mouth?”

Buck pulls off, “Please, Eddie, yes.”

Buck’s eyes actually roll a little into his head at the thought of it, and he can’t stop himself from grinding his cock into the softness of the comforter. He’s so close, too. He feels himself moaning involuntarily on Eddie.

Eddie grabs the back of Buck’s head again and fists his hands in Buck’s hair.

“Buck, I- I’m gonna-“ Buck increases the pressure with the flat of his tongue and swallows Eddie down again.

“Oh-oh- good boy.”

And Eddie’s shooting down Buck’s throat. The feeling is indescribable. Buck swallows again and again, satisfaction deep in his body from knowing he’s done a good job. As he swallows a third time around Eddie, his orgasm creeps up on him and he starts to cum, too. He moans around Eddie and some of Eddie’s cum ends up leaking out the corner of his mouth as he spurts uncontrollably onto Eddie’s leg and the sheets below.

The sight and sound of Buck losing it below him make Eddie’s cock pulse pleasurably again, sparks of heat making Eddie groan out loud.

“That’s it, Buck. Cum for me, sweetheart. That’s a good boy,” Eddie’s gravelly voice drags out. Buck whines as he finishes, and Eddie pulls him up into a tight hug quickly.

“That was amazing, Buck.” He fetches a warm washcloth and cleans them both, wrapping Buck up in the comforter and his arms. 

“Do you have to go right away?” Buck asks, unable to keep the neediness out of his voice and hating himself a little for it.

“No, honey. I don’t have to pick up Christopher from Abuela’s until 9:00 am. I can stay a few hours. Why don’t you go to sleep?”

Already half there, Buck snuggles into Eddie’s chest. “Don’t wanna wake up with you gone.”

The vulnerable, straightforward statement cuts Eddie to the heart. He knows Buck’s in subspace now, because Buck wouldn’t let himself sound like this if he wasn’t.

“I’ll set an alarm and wake you up before I go.”

“Thanks, Eds.”

“Sleep well, Buck.”

Eddie presses another kiss into Buck’s hair. Just as he’s about to fall asleep, Eddie feels Buck swiping his thumb across Eddie’s cheek in a tender gesture. Eddie presses his cheek against Buck’s big hand, and falls asleep like that, feeling safer than he’s felt in a long time.


	7. Chapter 7

Over the last few weeks, Buck and Eddie have settled into a routine. Buck is over at Eddie’s a few nights a week. He hangs out with Eddie and Christopher, and after Christopher goes down he and Eddie share pizza and a few beers. They do hook up, sometimes, especially when one or both of them is feeling the pull of their dynamic. But overall, they prioritize their friendship and Buck is careful not to trigger Eddie by talking about commitment.

Buck tells himself he’s okay with this- he’s always been independent, and he’s not really ready for another relationship so soon after Abby anyway. Eddie is plenty affectionate with him in private, and for the first time in his life, he’s getting his needs met as a submissive.

Buck could tell from the stilted “talk” Eddie had had with him the morning after they hooked up for the first time that Eddie wasn’t great at expressing his feelings. Ironically, conversations involving self-expression usually had Buck taking control. The more time Buck spends with Eddie, the more he begins to suspect that Eddie is more than likely dealing with trauma of his own related to his dynamic. Buck wants to help, but he doesn’t want to over step and send Eddie running. Instead, he notices things.

He notices how when Eddie and he are engaging in after-care, Eddie is hesitant to lean into any affectionate gesture from Buck. He’s not hesitant to dole out affection, but he avoids receiving, ducking his head out of the way, and always arranging himself as big spoon. But once he thinks Buck is asleep, Eddie often curls himself into Buck just that little bit more. The other night, Buck felt Eddie burying his nose in Buck’s curls. He was shaking a little. Buck pretended not to notice, but moved closer in his “sleep”.

Eddie is as always very respectful of Buck’s boundaries and need to be taken seriously at work. They keep the dynamic side of their relationship between them, but the team notices them growing ever closer as friends.

* * *

This morning, Eddie picked Buck up on the way to work. They often carpool together. Getting out of Eddie's truck, Buck hands off a coffee to Eddie and they stride in together. It’s the start of another 24 hour shift. But as they walk in, Buck feels something off in the energy of the firehouse immediately. Bobby's not in the kitchen like usual. Instead, they find Bobby’s office door is shut and he is nowhere to be seen. Chim is quietly doing inventory and doesn’t invite Buck to work out or challenge either him or Eddie to a round of Mario Kart. And Hen- she is rolling hose, which isn’t usually her job. Eddie seems to sense something is off, too, arriving just behind Buck and looking around for Bobby. He shrugs and heads for the locker room, while Buck pitches in with Hen.

As they roll the last hose back into place, Buck turns to Hen,

“Have you seen Bobby this morning?”

“He’s in his office, but he posted a list of chores for us try to complete before our first call. It’s up in the locker room.”

As if on cue, Eddie emerges fully kitted out and strides with purpose over to the side of the truck where they keep their axes. He takes one out and begins to sharpen it.

“Do you know if anything’s going on with him?” Buck’s brow furrows in concern. He and Hen know better than any of the others that Bobby’s got his demons.

“Athena texted me this morning and said Bobby had a bad reaction to something May said about a father-daughter dance. He left for work early and hasn’t replied to her messages. I think it might be about his daughter, but he hasn’t said anything to me or anyone else.”

“Oh geez, poor Bobby.”

“Yeah, I think the best we can do is try to fly under the radar today, yeah? Just get his list done, and no stunts.”

Buck looks up at Hen, whose smile is teasing as she bops him fondly across the nose.

“Yes, I mean you, Buckaroo.”

“I’ll keep him out of trouble,” calls Eddie from behind the truck, laughter in his voice.

“The hell you will, Eddie Diaz. You two cause enough drama here for two shifts put together!” Chimney calls from where he’s diligently stocking the ambulance’s first aid supplies.

That’s when Bobby emerges from his office. His eyes are red-rimmed, but his back is straight and he’s sporting a small grin.

“Now, now, team. No more bullying our youngest member. After all, in the time he’s been here, he’s only cost us a blown up ambulance, a rig, and the rest of my youthful vitality.”

Bobby bumps his shoulder gently with Buck’s to show he’s joking, saying quietly, “I’m alright” for his and Hen’s benefit.

Buck rolls his eyes good naturedly and jibes back, “you were grey long before I got here, old man!”  
  


Bobby’s retort is cut off when the alarm sounds, and soon the team is on the way to their dramatic first call- a helicopter carrying news journalist Taylor Kelly and her crew has crashed. The last transmission of the ambitious young journalist had been heard over the dispatch:

“This is Taylor Kelly with your traffic update and we are going down!”

Buck’s not sure what kind of civilian would be so nonchalant about delivering this news on air, but he kind of wants to meet her. He hopes this crash doesn’t end the way so many do.

Fortunately the crash landing in the baseball bleachers results in an unprecedented win as all members of the crew survive with minimal injuries. Just as Buck thought, Taylor was a force to be reckoned with. She’s immediately pushing Bobby to allow her to film a documentary in the firehouse.

“Captain Nash, this will be a chance to showcase the every day heroism of your firefighters.”

“C’mon, Cap, it’ll be great publicity,” Chim chimes in and Buck nods eagerly. Eddie and Hen aren’t so enthusiastic, but they remain tight-lipped, letting their Captain make the decision.

“Don’t you think the camera crew will get in the way?” But Bobby is forced to relent after LAFD gives their permission.

Not even a particularly disgusting call is enough to deter Taylor Kelly, who gamely accompanies them to a bug eating contest at an exotic pet store.

Taylor is unmistakably interested in Buck. She keeps rubbing his arm and looking up at him through her eyelashes as she asks him about what led him to become a firefighter.

Eddie gives a one liner to that question, “the opportunity to work with an amazing team,” is what he says, curtly.

Buck is a little puzzled, because Eddie's usually friendly, but Buck’s enjoying Taylor’s presence. He likes her ambition. She’s a sub and she’s got the look of someone who’s never let that fact stop her. In fact, it looks like she uses it to wrap unsuspecting Doms around her finger. Buck is immune to that aspect of her attractiveness, but he is drawn to her nonetheless, wanting her to think well of him. She’s definitely the type that Buck would have gone for in the days of Buck 1.0.

When some teens come by with “thank you” brownies for the team, no one thinks anything of it. Bobby was grateful that at least some good publicity would come from this. Starving, perversely, after their last call, Buck and Eddie grin through the brownies as Chim’s protests fill the break room-

“I don’t know how you two can even _think_ about eating after what we just saw.”

He shudders and makes a swift exit from the room where Buck’s giggling with chocolate covered teeth. Eddie rolls his eyes and makes to cover Kelly’s camera lens to protect Buck from having his awful manners displayed on national television. Even Bobby is charmed into eating a brownie.

* * *

On their way to their next call, Buck and Eddie don’t notice anything awry until it’s too late.

In the rig, Buck starts to feel lightheaded, like his head’s actually going to float away from his body. He knows he should say something about it, but he can’t focus too well and he keeps forgetting what he meant to say.

“Allergies going crazy today.”

“Yeah, you too? The index wasn’t elevated this morning. Is this a new kind?” Buck’s words are spilling out of his mouth too fast.

“A new kind of what?” Eddie replies confusedly.

Buck thinks for a moment, “Pollen!” he answers confidently.

Over the sound of the siren, Chimney turns to the two of them incredulously:

“A new kind of pollen?” he asks, skepticism dripping from his voice.

“You’re not feeling this, Chim?” Eddie looks down at his hands as though seeing them for the first time.

“No, I do not.” Chim is not amused.

“I can see the pollen,” Eddie remarks dazedly.

“I can hear it!” Buck contributes.

Chim rolls his eyes, hard. Sometimes, just sometimes, he wishes Buck and Eddie would knock it off. He doesn’t have time for their particular brand of teasing right now. They’ve been teaming up more and more lately. The 118 pulls up to the call at- you’ll never believe it- a toddlers’ beauty pageant.

Chim takes the lead, and quickly realizes the situation is serious for at least one of the moms, who has a heeled shoe sticking out of the side of her face. Her actual face. Good God. He calls for Buck and Eddie, who aren’t as highly trained as him for medical calls, to grab his equipment.\

Blessedly, Athena’s already on scene, dealing with a rather racist-sounding perp, whose sweet-looking, perfectly coiffed curls are contrasting with her vicious demands to see Athena’s birth certificate and a lawyer, in that order.

Chim refocuses and tries to convince the victim to get off the phone with (apparently) her plastic surgeon.

“Excuse me, ma’am. Your adrenaline has likely spiked which is why you’re not feeling any pain. Can I get you to take a seat and just maybe, yes, maybe hang up the phone.”

He guides her to a seated position and instructs her to take hold of the heel of the shoe, protruding grotesquely from her cheek. He is the picture of professionalism in this wild scene, reminding himself to remain so. He looks up to check on the progress of his equipment.

“Hey guys-“ but as he looks around, Thing 1 and Thing 2 are nowhere to be seen.

“Diaz! Buckley! Let’s go!” he reminds them, a sour note in his voice.

Buck and Eddie are, inexplicably, still on the other side of the room, seemingly fascinated with the costumed preschoolers in front of them.

“Did these beauty queens shrink, or are we suddenly giants?” Buck whisper yells to Eddie, loud enough that Athena overhears him.

Eddie’s reaction is to back up with his hands raised, genuine fear crossing his expression.

Executing her duties, Athena marches the assaultive woman out in cuffs even as she promises to pay for all her victims medical bills if only she wouldn’t be arrested. She the steers the woman past Buck and Eddie.

“I’m sorry! I just started menopause and my hormones are all crazy! Can I get my shoe back?” the perp’s voice increases in volume as she approaches the firefighters, and a note of hysteria creeping into her tone.

Buck and Eddie flinch in mutual revulsion.

Losing patience, Chimney hollers, “Can _someone_ please bring me the rest of my gear?!”

Athena notices that not all is well with Buck and Eddie, who are staring blankly into space, unresponsive to Chimney. She turns to them and says pointedly: “I think he means you guys!”

They catch her eye, and Buck, delighted to see her, calls, “hey Athena!”

Athena resists the urge to take several steps backward at Buck’s misplaced enthusiasm.

“They’re the tinest ladies I’ve ever seen!” he exclaims happily. Holding his middle finger and thumb up in a pinch, he shows her what he means: “teeny tiny!”

“ _Excuse_ me?” Athena is starting to suspect what’s going on here, but she can’t quite believe her eyes. Buck's next words confirm it for her:

“So tiny!”

Hoping for a more sane approach, Athena calls out, “Henrietta!”

Unfortunately, Hen turns around with the same dopey expression on her face.

“Thena!” She looks just as delighted and surprised to see her as Buck. Good Lord.

“Oh, Thena, you smell like love!” Seeing that Hen is going to contribute even less to the situation than Buck, Athena turns away in disgust.

“Chimney- need you over here!”

“727L-30 requesting immediate RA backup…” Chimney finally makes his way over.

“We’ve got a problem here- your guys be trippin’!”

“What?! Guys, look at me. Do you know where you are?” Instead of moving into the line of sight, Eddie cranes his head around Hen and several balloons to look at Chimney.

“We’re everywhere, man.”

Athena throws her hands down.

“They’re on drugs!”

Hen, even more overjoyed to see Chimney than she was to see Athena, collapses into his arms with a drawn out squeal. To his credit, Chimney catches her, gently, while his mind is in overdrive trying to figure it out.

“Oh-my-God. It’s the brownies!”

“The brownies,” Athena’s tone is dripping with disdain.

Chim continues to sooth Hen with pats to her back.

“We’ve been getting a lot of stuff lately, especially since the earthquake.”

Losing patience entirely, Athena bursts out, “you guys eat that stuff?! We just throw that stuff right in the trash.”

Chim scoffs, “yeah, but we’re firefighters. Everybody loves us.”

Athena sighs and tries to radio for Bobby. Bobby, unbeknownst to anyone, is currently occupied with his fascination with a lighter that he was turning on and off, repeatedly. He does not answer the call.

Frustrated, Athena, relays this to Chimney, who asks her if she’s taken everything offline.

“I did _that_ ,” Athena says with a note of deep exhaustion.

Meanwhile, Chim’s patient, who has waited an inordinate amount of time to be bandaged up and sent to the hospital, asks with great irritation “why aren’t you taking it out?” as Chim tapes the heeled shoe against her face in what looks like a mockery of a hockey helmet.

“They’ll do that at the hospital. We’ll get you there; I called 9-1-1.”

Chim ignores the absurdity of having had to call 9-1-1. When he’s finally done, he goes to give his team some attention- just in time, too-wWhen he arrives, Eddie seems to be nearing a total meltdown.

“What’s going on? I don’t like this.” Eddie’s gasping for breath and, is he really crying? Chimney rolls his eyes again.

“Oooh, you made him cryyy”. That’s Buck, whose speech is still drawn out in that weird way.

Athena takes charge and reassures Eddie, though impatiently, that he’s gonna be okay. Somebody has dosed them with a hallucinogen.

“I don’t want you to hurt yourself or anyone else.”

Eddie sobs, “yeah, I like that idea.”

No one seems to be taking Eddie's distress seriously, but Buck turns toward him with concern. A hallucinogen? So Eddie could be seeing stuff that wasn’t there? Buck knows Eddie. He's genuinely upset, and not in a funny way.

They ride back to the station in the back of Athena’s patrol car, Buck insists on taking the middle seat to sit next to Eddie, even though as the biggest he barely fits there.

Hen is hanging over the front seat, still telling Athena how much she loves her, and neither of them really notice what’s going on between Buck and Eddie.

Buck gets a clumsy arm around Eddie, who presses his face into Buck’s collar bone. He’s trembling finely and still- quietly and unobtrusively- crying.

The sight is enough to sober Buck up a little.

“What’s going on, Eds?”

“Can’t tell what’s real. Don’t wanna hurt anyone.”

“You’re not gonna hurt anyone, Eddie. You never could.” Eddie looks up at him at that, his expression serious.

“Yeah, Buck, I could.” Eddie’s fists are clenched in Buck’s shirt, and Buck is reminded that those fists carry immense strength. Eddie has been nothing but gentle with Buck. 

“I’ve done it before. I could hurt you, Buck.”

Buck frowns- the back of Athena’s patrol car is not the place for this conversation, even if no one is paying them any mind.

“I can take care of myself, Eddie.”

“I know, that’s why…”

A car backfires and Eddie flinches, a far away look in his eyes. 

“That’s why, what, Eddie?”

“Nevermind.”

Eddie’s starting to sober up, too. He sits up, and turns his head to look out the window, away from Buck. He stubbornly doesn’t look back, even as Buck is rubbing his shoulders. On a hunch, Buck puts his hand on the back of Eddie’s neck, in the same place that feels so calming to him when he’s spiraling. Eddie’ doesn’t turn back toward him, but his body does relax under Buck’s hand, muscles losing some of the tension that had built there. 

They get dropped off back at the station to sleep off their brush with LSD. In the bunkroom, Buck sleeps lightly, keeping a sharp ear out for Eddie. Sure enough, within a few hours, Eddie's waking up with a shout. He comes up swinging at the air, gasping and clutching the blankets. Buck's at his side quickly, but Eddie flinches away.

"Please, stay back, Buck." Feeling this out of control must be terrifying for Eddie. Buck keeps his distance, but stays awake long after Eddie's breathing evens out again. He keeps watch tonight. 


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Sorry for the long hiatus- as you can imagine the pandemic has made many aspects of real life harder and I haven't had the time I'd have liked to devote to this project. This amazing community of writers and fans have given me a lot of support and a safe place to escape to during difficult moments. Thank you all for the love and comments- I treasure all your feedback. I hope you enjoy the next installment!

* * *

Turns out you shouldn't look after kids when you're recovering from tripping on acid. _Abuela_ agrees to keep Christopher for an extra day when she hears what happened. Buck, Eddie, Hen, and Bobby, are eventually declared sober enough to drive home by Athena. Eddie gives Buck a soft look as he straightens out his bunk and packs up. 

"Want to come over?"

"Hell, yeah!" Buck replies.

He follows Eddie home in his Jeep. Eddie's already out of his car by the time Buck is parked in Eddie's driveway. Buck throws the Jeep into park and almost tumbles out of the driver's seat, eager to get over to Eddie. Eddie matches him, crowding him up against the side of his car and burying his face in Buck's neck, holding him tightly.

" _Buck,"_ Eddie groans, and the vibrations on the side of Buck's neck have his knees going weak. Buck moans involuntarily and Eddie pulls back, cupping Buck's cheek in his right hand. His eyes are bright and Buck can feel him, digging in, hard against Buck's hip. Buck melts in Eddie's arms, limbs going soft. Eddie marches him backwards until he's right up against the door. Eddie's kissing him thoroughly, but he's being incredibly gentle with Buck, more gentle than he's been before. He's even cupping the back of Buck's head as though to protect it from the hardness of the door. Buck can barely think.

"Inside?"

"Mmm, yeah," Eddie moans as he reaches for the keys between kisses, unlocking the door and getting Buck inside. He walks Buck toward the bedroom. 

"I wanna fuck you so bad," Eddie rumbles in his ear. Buck is instantly fully hard in response, and he knows exactly what he wants. He groans and hauls Eddie down on top of him. Eddie hesitates, though. Buck kisses him again, but he pulls back.

'Wait, wait."

"Huh?" Buck's confused.

"What's your safe word, Buck?" Oh, this. Well considering Buck really wants to take this to another level, this is a good discussion to have.

"I use the colour system- red for stop, yellow for slow down, green for all good. Right now things are all green, baby."

Eddie frowns, Buck's cavalier attitude throwing him a little. 

"What about limits, Buck?"

"Don't have any," Buck grins.

"Buck." Eddie's voice has no trace of amusement in it, so Buck drops the grin.

"You don't really mean that, do you?" concern laces Eddie's voice. Buck sighs. He's not used to talking this much about sex.

"No, Eddie. But I trust you, and I'll let you know if we do anything I don't like."

"It's really important that you do, Buck. Do you understand me?" Eddie takes on a firm tone.

"Yes, Eddie, I do."

Eddie fixes him with a stern look, staring into Buck's eyes seriously for a few seconds. Then, he's pulling Buck's shirt over his head and pulling off his own.

"You're so beautiful," Eddie breathes reverently into Buck's mouth. Eddie wets his thumb and forefinger and gently rolls Buck's nipple between them, pinching just slightly. Buck gasps, pleasure rolling through him.

"This okay?"

"So okay!" Buck punctuates this with a needy roll of his hips and he moans high in his throat.

Eddie works his way down Buck's torso, rolling his tongue on the hollow underneath his diaphragm and on each hip bone. Buck squirms with pleasure and Eddie has to palm himself through his jeans to relieve some of the pressure. Seeing that, Buck tries to sit up. He needs to get his mouth on Eddie- preferably right now- but Eddie pushes him back down and Buck just-goes- body instinctually pliant beneath Eddie, nervous energy leaking out of him leaving him floating.

"That's it sweetheart. Lay down for me." Eddie gets him out of his jeans and boxer briefs, pulling them down below Buck's thighs. And then- Buck's watching in awe as his cock disappears into Eddie's mouth. He turns his head to the side and tries to muffle his cry in the crook of his elbow. His arm is firmly pulled away from his face.

"No, baby. Let me hear you."

Eddie swallows his cock back down and Buck can barely keep from bucking into his mouth. He holds back, but it's a close thing, hands fisting in the sheets below him.

All of a sudden, he feels a new pressure at his entrance. Eddie's gently smearing some lube there. He pulls off Buck's cock to ask, "this okay?"

Buck almost wants to roll his eyes at Eddie's continual check ins. He's already told Eddie he wants him to fuck him. But deep down he's pleased. No one has ever cared so much about his level of comfort during sex before. He nods. 

"Verbal answer, sweetheart."

"Yes, please, I need it."

Eddie grins, this time. He lets his tongue circle the head of Buck's cock, before asking, "I'm not sure how much you need it- maybe you should tell me before I continue." He takes Buck's whole cock into his mouth, and Buck can actually feel the head of it hitting and slipping past Eddie's mouth and into his throat. It feels so good he could cum just from that, but Buck needs more.

"Please Eddie. I need you inside me." And then Eddie's finger is slipping all the way inside him. When he crooks it just so, Buck's breath hitches and he finds actual tears are slipping out of the corners of his eyes. He moans and it turns into a sort of sob.

"Edd- Eddie!"

"Colour, Buck?"

"Green, so green."

Eddie slips a second finger in there and begins rhythmically fingering Buck. As he pulls back with his fingers, he bobs down on Buck's cock. Buck's losing his mind. It's so intense he doesn't know what to do. Buck squeezes his eyes open and notices Eddie's- probably unconsciously- pushing his cock into a pillow on every forward thrust. God- he needs that in him. He needs to tell Eddie.

"Eddie, please, please. If you don't get your cock in me soon I'm gonna explode."

Eddie chuckles, but he fumbles in the drawer for a condom and puts it on. He covers Buck with his body, kissing him slow and gentle before pressing against him. Buck starts to feel himself opening up, but then Eddie's pulling away. He lays down beside Buck, panting a bit.

"Eddie?" Buck's confused, and he gets a good look at Eddie, who's looking a little pale. 

"Sorry." Eddie's breath is still coming faster than Buck thinks it should be.

"It's alright. What's going on?"

Eddie turns his dark eyes to Buck and lets himself be open.

"Could you ride me instead?"

Buck's thrown a little for a loop. He's happy to change positions, but he's confused as to why Eddie's asking for it. He loves crowding Buck up against walls, doors, cars, and he seemed to have loved what they were doing until now.

"Yeah, of course, but is everything okay?" Buck's feeling a little insecure now, too.

"It's not you. Can I explain later? For now I just want to see you getting yourself off on me, baby." Eddie punctuates this statement by slipping his middle finger into Buck and somehow effortlessly finding his prostate. 

"Ahh!" Buck moans and his cock wets a little at the end with precum, reminding Buck of a very real sense of physical urgency.

Buck winks- he can get into giving Eddie a show, if that's what he wants.

"Okay, Eds. But I want to hear about whatever was bothering you later." Eddie nods, then hauls Buck up by the ass, his abs flexing visibly through the impressive movement. Buck forgets about anything else as Eddie lines up his cock and Buck sinks slowly down, feeling Eddie breaching him slowly and fully.

Buck's cheeks heat up and pleasure coils in his gut, radiating out. He raises himself up and down, tentatively. Eddie's eyes roll back and he moans deep in his throat.

" _Buck._ Baby, you blush so pretty." Buck's pretty sure his cock actually blurts a little precum out in response to the praise. He _loves_ it when Eddie talks to him like that.

"I- I- uh-ah" Buck's using his knees and quads to fuck himself up and down on Eddie, and it's hard to keep coherent. "I love it when you say stuff like that."

"Like what, baby? When I tell you how good you're being? How pretty you look hanging off my cock?"

Buck full body shudders and goes boneless on top of Eddie. Eddie sits up a little, grips him tightly by the hips and growls in his ear, "you're just a good boy for me, aren't you, Buck?" Eddie takes control, somehow dominating the fuck from underneath in a show of core strength.

"That's it, sweetheart. You just sit up there all pretty and take it. That's just what you're supposed to do."

Buck's cock is leaking continuously now, and he moans incoherently, eyes rolling back in his head as Eddie thrusts unrelentingly into him. Eddie leans closer, grabbing Buck and holding him tightly while he sucks a bruise into his neck.

"You're gonna cum for me, aren't you, baby? You gonna be good and come all over me?" Eddie takes one hand off Buck's back, keeping him upright with the other arm, and grips Buck's cock, tugging it in time with his thrusts.

Buck's completely losing it, tears of pleasure gathering on his eyelashes. Eddie holds him up, rubbing the back of his neck gently. It's the affection that finally does it for Buck, and he cums messily over Eddie's fingers, moaning into Eddie's chest.

"Good boy," he hears Eddie whisper into his ear, which makes him cum more, his whole body seizing and a choked off whimper punctuating his orgasm.

As he recovers, Buck finds a new sense of urgency. He wants, no he needs Eddie to cum. He starts to bounce frantically up and down on Eddie's dick. He needs Eddie to come inside of him.

"Eddie, you feel so good in me." Eddie's forearms flex as he grips Buck tightly by the waist, needing to hold onto something.

"Yeah? You need something, Buck?"

"Please! I want you to come in me."

"Uh huh," Eddie's almost non verbal, chasing his orgasm as he slides in and out of Buck's warm body.

"I need you to mark me on the inside."

Eddie loses it, biting down on Buck's shoulder as he fills the condom in thick spurts. He cums so hard Buck imagines what it would be like if Eddie was raw inside him. He feels a little aftershock ride through him at the thought and whimpers.

They lie there, panting and holding each other. Eddie eases out of Buck, who whimpers again at the loss. 

"Be right back, sweetheart." Eddie pads off to the bathroom and comes back with a warm washcloth, which he uses to wipe Buck down. Buck starts to sit up, but Eddie pulls him back down.

"C'mere," and Eddie pulls Buck to a spooning position, burying his face in the back of Buck's neck. He holds Buck there, in that position, for hours, long after Buck falls asleep.

* * *

Eddie’s going at the bag pretty hard when Buck gets to work for their next shift on Tuesday morning, three days after he and Eddie had fucked for the first time. Although he knows they should have, he and Eddie didn't talk much after they had sex. Buck hadn't known how to address Eddie's behaviour, and Eddie certainly didn't bring it up. They'd shared some pizza and beer afterward their nap, hanging out playing video games. Christopher had come home, too, and Buck had busied himself teaching Chris how to play Super Smash Bros. Since it was Sunday night, he'd then gone home to give Eddie some time to get Chris ready for school. He hasn't seen Eddie in a couple of days now, and he was kind of expecting more of a greeting than he was getting.

Eddie's phone is buzzing incessantly, and he can’t hear it over the repeated “Thwack!” sounds his fists are making when they collide with the vinyl.

Buck scoops up Eddie’s phone and goes to hand it to him, freezing up a little when he sees the name, “Shannon Diaz” lit up with an incoming text. He hands the phone over to Eddie, who looks down at it warily, and opens up the message with a sigh.

“You and Shannon talking again?” Buck tries for cool, but he’s not sure he succeeds.

“I called her last week- Turns out the school Carla’s recommended for Chris wants to hear from both parents in an interview.”

“Are you sure that’s such a good idea, Eddie?”

“What do you mean, Buck?”

“You’re gonna play happy families for the principal?”

Eddie looks up, a little shocked at Buck’s tone. Buck can’t seem to stop himself. He’s not sure where all his anger is coming from, but he can’t help what comes next-

“She abandoned Christopher! She shouldn’t get to just waltz back in!”

“No one’s letting her ‘waltz back in’” Eddie uses air quotes around that, throwing up his arms in frustration. He blows out a sigh and turns away from Buck as he talks.

“She got back to me fast, Buck. Seems like she still cares, at least about Christopher.” Eddie’s tone has hardened a bit, and Buck can tell he’s got his back up.

“I’m just concerned, is all,” Buck finishes more softly

“Well this is none of your concern, Buck. In fact, you don’t get to have an opinion at all on how I’m raising Chris- or what role Shannon plays.”

Stung, Buck hunches his shoulders and looks down. He’s gotta hold onto anger because that remark threatens to send him spinning.

“Thanks for putting me in my place”, he bites back sarcastically.

Eddie looks stricken by that, and of course the bell takes this moment to go off, sending them into the hills after a 9-1-1 caller who apparently echoes the exact words of a caller some ten years prior.

Buck pulls himself together, sitting beside Chim in the rig. He reminds himself that Eddie is not his dom- they’re not even sexually exclusive- and hearing a reminder of that shouldn’t have this effect on him.

It’s pretty spooky when they find the victim in the exact place the “ghost” caller told dispatch about. Buck rappels down and Hen and Chim work on her.

Chim seems to have overheard some of their earlier exchange, or else he just senses the tension, because he takes his place beside Buck in the rig on the way home, bumping their shoulders together in a friendly way. As a switch, Chim isn’t as vulnerable sudden changes in his mood or disposition, so he does his best to provide a balance to his team members who are.

He tries to show Buck a viral video of another fire house doing drill relays. It’s a pretty cool obstacle course type set up with ropes and firefighters climbing in full equipment. Buck would normally be all over that, but he’s not feeling it right now.

“Cool, Chim.”

“Cool?! You’re telling me that doesn’t make you want to set up something just like that at the 118?”

Buck takes another look, trying to summon his normal level of enthusiasm.

“You’re right, Chim. Bet I could do it using only my arms! What do you think, Eds? Think you could match me?” Buck offers it as an olive branch, eyes dancing with mischief. Eddie only gives a small grunt of acknowledgement, though. He’s clearly off in his own world. Buck’s face falls and Chim changes the video to a video of goats falling. Buck turns back and pretends to be absorbed in it, trying to hide his hurt.

When the rig comes to a stop, and Eddie’s the first one out. He only stops to strip his gear, and clocks out early to get to the meeting at the school. He barely says goodbye to Buck as he leaves, and Buck tries not to let it bother him.

Chimney follows Buck into the locker room. They strip down and change at a slower pace than Eddie had.

Buck tries to put his helmet away, but his hands are shaking a bit. He drops it. Leaning over, he picks it up again and it slips out of his grip again.

“Uggh, why am I like this?” Buck asks, letting his head fall back against the lockers with a clang.

“Hey, don’t do that! You feeling a drop, man?” Chim asks.

“No, not all the way. Just not having the best day.”

“This about Eddie?” Chim asks perceptively.

Buck doesn’t really want to talk about his non-relationship with Chim. He wants to keep that separate from the firehouse. But he comments obliquely,

“Sometimes I really hate being a sub. I wish I was like you. Then maybe I wouldn’t be so affected by every little thing and no one would judge me.”

Chim claps him on the shoulder bracingly. To Buck’s surprise, he actually rolls his eyes.

“Look, I get it to an extent- it must suck to feel like you’re subject to chemical highs and lows like you are. I can’t pretend to fully understand that. But Buckaroo, no one here is judging you for it. And even if they were, being a switch doesn’t free you from judgment.

Buck’s head snaps up and he looks at Chim guiltily. He knows that. Of course he does. Maddie has spent her whole life trying to live up to their father’s expectations, and ended up with _Doug._

“I’ve dated a lot of girls, mostly subs and even a few dommes. I’ve lost count of the number of relationships I’ve been in where, in the end, I wasn’t enough.”

Buck winces. He feels that one, hard. Chim continues-

“On top of that, I’m an _Asian-American_ firefighter. I’ve had to fight to be taken seriously at work, too.”

Buck feels terrible. Of course he knows Chim has struggled in all these ways. He hadn’t meant to make Chim feel invalidate or unseen. His eyes are stinging and he leans in to give Chim a hug. The action surprises Chim a little, who as a switch doesn’t engage in as much in physical affection in the work place. But he relaxes into the hug, smiling softly and accepting it as Buck’s apology. He squeezes back, knowing that Buck needs it more than he does.

“All this to say, Buckaroo, you’re not alone.”

“Thanks, Chim.”

“You’re welcome. You okay now?”

“Yeah, I’m just going to stay here a little longer. I think I’ll restock the ambo”

“Why not head home, Buck? You’ve worked hard enough today.”

“I-I don’t want to go home.”

“I think I know why.”

“What do you mean?

“Maybe stop punishing yourself?”

“What? I’m not punishing myself.”

“Living at Abby’s is totally healthy, then?

Buck pauses to think about that.

“I should know, Buck. I held onto Tatiana long after I should have let her go. She wanted a different guy- someone more dominant. I took me a long time to realize I needed to stop trying to change myself for her.”

Buck feels extremely defensive, but he tries really hard to reign it in and really think about what Chim is saying.

“It’s not the same, Chim. “

“Why not? Abby and you are both subs. It’s likely that one or both of you wasn’t getting what you needed out of the relationship.”

“You don’t know that! Cross dynamic relationships can work.”

“They can, Buck, that’s not what I was saying. But they do have their challenges and if they are going to work they need healthy and open communication on both sides.”

“It wasn’t her fault.”

“I’m not saying it was either of your faults, Buckaroo. But can you honestly say to me that you and Abby communicated openly and honestly?”

“We did, about a lot of things.” Chimney made an encouraging noise, and Buck continued.

“We talked a lot about work and bad calls- how they affected us. We talked a lot about family. Uh- we talked a lot about her family…” Buck had a sudden realization. Chim nodded knowingly.

“I guess I wasn’t as open with her about my background as she was with me.”

“And what about her communication style? Has she been open and responsive since she left for Ireland?”

“No,” Buck admitted.

“What are you holding onto?” Chim pushed, gently.

“I- I don’t know.”

“Move out, Buck- I’ll help you find a new place.”

* * *

Buck goes home thoughtful. Chim is absolutely right. It is time he moved on from Abby’s, He begins looking at listings and before he knows it, he’s made an appointment to see a beautiful loft apartment. He’s so lost in that process that he doesn’t feel the passage of time until his phone lights up with an incoming call.

“Eddie Diaz” is calling. It’s also 1:00 a.m. Buck goes to pick up the call, but hesitates at the last minute. It’s late. And when he thinks about it, he finds he’s actually pretty upset with Eddie. He knows he agreed to a casual relationship, but doesn’t he deserve a little more respect than Eddie had shown him today? More than that, the way Eddie had been unaffected by his distress was hurtful to Buck.

It had taken Chim, a friend, and a non-dynamic person- to pick up on Buck’s mood. He's disappointed. Buck knows Eddie’s got a lot on his plate with Christopher and his situation with Shannon, and he doesn’t want to say anything he’ll regret later. He lets the call ring out and goes to bed.

On the other side of town, a sweat-soaked Eddie Diaz clutches his phone like a life line. He’s still gasping from the nightmare that shook him awake. As the call rings out, despair takes over, and Eddie buries his face in the pillow while tremors wrack his body. He doesn’t go back to sleep.

* * *

Thanks for reading! If you have a moment, comments and kudos are so appreciated!


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